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Bodhi’s fingers spasmed like he wanted to touch Caleb again, and Caleb wished desperately that he would. But his hands stayed where they were. “I’ve never had a boyfriend before,” Bodhi admitted. “I’ve only been kissed once, so I don’t know what you’re going through.”
Caleb’s entire body froze. He swore for a second his heart wasn’t beating. Bodhi had only been kissed once? He wanted to believe it was through Bodhi’s choice alone—that he was so goddamn beautiful he’d just never met anyone worthy of his time.
But he also knew better.
He knew the world was full of picky, petty, superficial assholes.
“Sorry,” Bodhi offered, interrupting his thoughts. “I didn’t mean to be rude.”
Caleb waved him off. “You’re not being rude. Come on, let’s get this over with.” It was easier to focus on the task at hand instead of all the things he wanted to do. He told himself that the way he wanted to pin Bodhi against the wall and kiss him as many times as it took to make up for the years of neglect was just him trying to distract himself.
But Caleb had never been a great liar.
His fingers were steady as he took his keys out of his pocket, and he was surprised at how easy it was to just turn the lock and open the door.
For the first time ever, it didn’t feel like coming home.
At first glance, everything was the same. His couch was under the window, the hanging ferns were still alive and well, his bookshelves were undisturbed. But the closer he looked, the more he noticed the small holes. Like the bottom shelf on the TV stand was empty, and his bookshelf had strategically placed holes where Cameron had taken his books.
Caleb managed another set of calming breaths before he turned to see Bodhi still hovering in the doorway. “Are you a vampire?”
Bodhi’s frown deepened. “What?”
“Do you need an invitation?”
Eyes going wide, Bodhi stepped in and looked a little sheepish. “Sorry. I don’t always get jokes. Ravi hates that about me.”
Caleb felt something uncomfortable twisting in his stomach, but he shoved it away. “It’s fine. My humor is really corny.” He took a breath, then said, “I’m going to go change. Can I get you anything before I do?”
“No,” Bodhi told him. “I’m going to go sit.” He gestured at the sofa, and Caleb had a sudden urge to tell him to stay the fuck away from it.
Not because it meant anything to him, but because it felt…dirty. Everything in the condo felt dirty and used and…and fake. So fucking fake, just like his entire relationship had been. He didn’t want any of that to rub off on Bodhi who deserved so much better than Caleb had given him so far.
It’s just furniture, he told himself, gritting his teeth. He managed a nod, then turned on his heel before his expression could give away how badly he was doing with all of this. Moving into his room, he quickly shut the door, then pressed his palms to the wood and bowed his head. Every muscle in his body was tense, and he didn’t know how to make the feeling stop.
The only peace he’d had this entire day was the moment Bodhi’s arms were around him, and he’d almost lost total control because of it. He couldn’t afford to crumble like this. He had to figure out how to get his shit together.
Even if it meant gutting his damn condo and going into debt to replace everything Cameron had ever touched.
The idea made him laugh as he stood up straight, and he swiped his hands over his cheeks, annoyed to find them wet with tears. He wasn’t sure when the hell he’d started crying again, but he hoped it was after he walked away.
Turning from the wall, Caleb kicked his shoes off, then walked over to his dresser and reached for his top drawer. His hand froze in midair, then moved slightly to the right.
Don’t do it, he told himself.Seeing his empty drawer isn’t going to make you feel better. This isn’t what’s going to give you closure.
But his body and brain were not communicating well. He tugged the drawer open and saw three mismatched socks lying at the bottom. He laughed again, the feeling of it almost painful as it ripped through his throat. More tears came and he wondered if he looked hysterical as he sobbed through grabbing a pair of sweats and a clean t-shirt.
He kicked Jori’s clothes to the corner of the room near his laundry basket, then walked into his bathroom and flicked on the light. He looked pale and tired, his dark circles more pronounced than ever, and the whites of his eyes were bright pink from all the fucking crying.
Walking to the sink, he splashed water on his face, then noticed the stark absence of Cameron’s things. They hadn’t been sharing a bed very often for the last few months—not unless Cameron was trying to wheedle sex out of him—but his presence had still been there.
Caleb’s fingers brushed over the groove on the marble where Cameron’s fancy-ass electric toothbrush had been, then he turned away and went back to the dresser for those mismatched socks. They felt like a rebellion in the strangest way, and he decided he was allowed to do things that made no real sense for this little while.
His brother had repeatedly reminded him that the grieving process wasn’t linear. That there was no formula to it. It just was, and he processed how he processed.
Wriggling his toes in the warm cotton, he opened his bedroom door and walked back out to find Bodhi standing at the window, his fingers gently petting over the fern leaves. Caleb leaned his shoulder against the wall, smiling because he never in a million years thought he’d have Bodhi over.
At best, he expected them to find a way to work together. Before Cameron dumped him, he hadn’t realized that maybe his feelings of frustration with Bodhi were coming from an entirely different place. A place which made him feel guilty.
