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I closed my eyes, struggling.
“Yeah, really? You think so?” I couldn’t hold back my hurt. “You know what he told me when he pinned me down? He said you’d have believed him and not me. He said he knew what your choice would be. And I knew it, too. That’s why I had to go to the man upstairs.”
“That’s BULLSHIT!”
“IS IT?” I met her stare again.
She looked so shocked.
“YES! If I’d have thought for ONE SECOND he was going to hurt you, I’d have killed him. I swear to fucking God!”
“You mean that? For real?”
She nodded, frantic. Eyes still wide.
“Yes! OF COURSE I MEAN THAT! YOU’RE MY FUCKING DAUGHTER!”
I had to wipe my tears away with my cuff.
“You should be thanking Julian then, not hating him, becausehe’sthe one who would have killed Scottie. He threatened him in the hall downstairs, and told him if he didn’t fuck off, he’d put a knife in his ribs. THAT’S the man you think is taking advantage of me. The one who cares about me enough to risk putting himself in jail for the rest of his life, just to keep me safe! People can whisper all they want about him, about his past and hissickoways, but they are all full of utter crap. They don’t know him!”
Mum was silent, so I carried on. I let it flow. I let my heart run free.
“Julian treats me like I’m worth something. He treats me like I light up his world. He treats me like I AM his world. And I’ve never seen that before. I’ve never seen it in this shithole of an estate, and I’ve never seen it in one single shit relationship in this apartment. I’ve seen people whoclaimedthey loved you, but have they fuck. And Scottie was the worst of all!” I had to take a breath. “So don’t you dare criticise Julian! DON’T YOU DARE!”
The passion in my words seemed to stun her. She stared at me, mute.
“I’m in love with him,” I told her. “I don’t care what anyone thinks or says about it. I’m in love with him, and I want to be with him. That’s not going to change. Trisha, or Martha, or Bertie, or anyone in this block, or anyone on this fucking estate, or in the Brewery Tavern can say what they like, I don’t care. Nothing is going to change!”
She slumped against the wall at that, her fire burnt out.
“My God,” she said. “You should have told me. About everything.”
I knew then that she believed me about Scottie. I knew she believedme.She closed her eyes and I waited, letting her brain catch up with the outburst.
“And Julian loves you back, does he?” she said. “That’s what he claims, is it? That he loves you?”
“He doesn’tclaimhe loves me. He does love me.”
She changed her approach. “He’s got to be at least thirty years older than you.”
I sighed. “So? Who cares?”
“Hemust care. He should do.”
“Hedidcare, before he listened to me and believed I was aware of my own mind, and my own thoughts, and was able to make my own decisions on what the hell I wanted.” I dared to push it. “I’m asking you to do the same, Mum. Listen to me. Thirty years or not. I don’t care.”
“People say he’s filthy, a pervert… they say he cheated on his wife, and fucked loads of young girls, and did disgusting things to them.”
“There are a few tiny bits of truth in a whole load of lies. People can say what they like. I love being with him.”
“People say he fucked his family over and left them behind! That’s not ok!”
“People don’tknowhim. Maybe you should get to know him yourself before you judge. You can ask him the questions yourself, rather than listening to bullshit.”
“I can’t believe this…” she said, shaking her head. “I just can’t believe it.”
“You’d better start believing it, Mum, because I’m not leaving him. I don’t want to be without him, not for anything. I mean it. I’m going upstairs. Choose to listen, or don’t, but I’ll be going back up there tonight.”
