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I don’t want anyone’s pity. Not now when I’m strong.Where was the world’s concern when I was drowning in the mud, starving and suffering?They didn’t care then, and I don’t care now.
Except with Xenia.When she worries about me, I feel important. Right now, she’s pitying my temper and jealousy.
Yeah, I’ve been envious of Walla Walla before. His parents were the normal kind of religious crazies. They kept their weirdness in check, living respectable lives where their kids had beds and three-square meals.
I haven’t felt that jealousy in years, but it returns when I consider Xenia might prefer him.
“You have a room at the Pigsty, don’t you?” she asks as her fingers dance across my jaw. “Irina said Eagle just moved out. So that’s where you all lived, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, so?” I mutter as she squirms on my lap and makes my erection demand more than kisses tonight.
Holding my gaze, Xenia whispers, “If you were at this Friday’s party, you could show me your room. I bet it isn’t as cramped as my house. Your bed’s probably bigger, too.”
When I only stare at her, Xenia sighs. “I want you to have sex with me.”
“What makes you think I want that?” I grumble, all wound up on how shit won’t work out and I’ll lose Xenia.
Why the fuck is my ending always the same? How come I can’t have nice shit? Why do I always get squirrely when I ought to just chill out? My parents ruined me early on, and I can’t outrun the damage.
With her hands resting on my shoulders, Xenia inhales sharply. I think she’s upset with my tone. Instead, she’s working up the nerve to stroke my erection pressed against her.
“This here is why I think you want to have sex with me.”
“I’ll have sex with anyone. It’s not personal.”
Xenia cocks an eyebrow. “Then why are you fighting it? Just have sex with me like you would anyone.”
I narrow my eyes and consider pushing her off my lap. Why am I here? What’s the point?
My thoughts return to the first time I saw Xenia. She looked so fucking sad. I can see her in my head, waiting for something to give her life meaning.
Right now, Xenia doesn’t look sad. Not even when I refuse to meet her halfway with this Pigsty thing. She just cups my face and strokes my lips with her thumb. I feel her breathing easier today than she did yesterday.Something’s changed inside Xenia.
“Let’s do the picnic thing first,” I mutter as her touch unwinds all my resentments.
“Okay. What kind of sandwiches should I make? Also, can I bring food for the turtles?”
Falling out of my asshole funk, I chuckle. “You’re a wacky lady.”
“Not really. I just like to feed people. It’s my thing.”
“Or is it your parents’ thing and you don’t know any other way?”
“That might be where the urge started, but I do get a joy out of feeding people.”
Wrapping my arms around Xenia, I don’t want to let her go. Not tonight or ever. She feels like mine, even if wanting her so much scares me.
