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She huffs. “We don’t have a relationship, Derek. We just sleep together.”
I push away the pang of disappointment and discomfort at her words. I know that she doesn’t really mean it. She is just scared and I tell her as much.
She shakes her head. “Scared? I’m not scared. Why do you think I’m scared? I’ve nothing to be scared of.”
I push myself against the headboard, sit near her, and take her hand. "Exactly, sweetheart. You have nothing to be scared of. So there’s no need to be like this. You can tell me anything…”
I hear her shaky intake of breath, and I squeeze her fingers to try and comfort her.
She squeezes back, and then there are tears rolling down her cheeks.
Each one of them is like a knife to my heart, but I fight the instinct to hug her knowing only too well how easily things escalate between us if we are close, and we can't afford that. We have to talk.
“Why are you crying?” I ask softly.
She pulls her hand from mine. “Because you… you want to know things… I… I don’t want to talk about it, Derek.”
I grab her upper arms gently and turn her to look at me. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, baby, and if it wasn't so evident that whatever happened still affects you so much, maybe I would let it go, but it's not the case. This is so painful for you, and you have kept it to yourself for so long… look what it’s doing to us, baby. Don't you see? I need to know so that I can help you deal with it. You have too much buried inside, sweetheart. It’s destroying our chance to be together.”
“I don’t want it! I don’t want to be together. Please, Derek. I can’t… I can’t…”
I gather her to me, speaking as calmly and quietly as I can against her neck. "We both know that's not true."
“It doesn’t matter if it’s not true, Derek. It can’t work… it can’t— I can’t…”
God, she looks so anguished. I only want to wrap her in my arms and make all of this go away, but I know it's just not possible.
“Carina, youneedto speak about it. You won't be free until you let it all out. If… if not with me, fine… then… then with a therapist."
Her eyes get even larger, and she springs from the bed, taking the sheet with her, and walks to the window.
I stand up as well, pulling my boxers up as I go. “We can’t go on like this, angel.”
I see her back tense again, and for a second, there's a stricken expression on her suddenly pale face, but then she dons herIce Queenmask again.
She spins around to face me. "What do you mean, Derek?"
I swallow the pain and force myself to say the words even if I know they’ll hurt us both. “I want to be with you, sweetheart. Reallybe with you. All or…”
“Nothing!” she hisses, her lower lip captured in her teeth, her voice tremulous, eyes bright with tears.
I pull her to me and hug her, she sags against me for a second, but then she stalks to the other side of her bedroom. “You want to know? Fine, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you how stupid I was. How naive. How I let him fool me into thinking I knew him and loved him, into thinkingheloved me. How he changed. How mean he was. How… how… I gave myself to him.”
“Carina…” I murmur her name, my heart clenching for her. I try to take her hand, but she pulls back, tears streaming down her face.
She shakes her head and then looks down at her feet, peeking from under the sheet. “How I let him use me. How… how scared I was… howshocked! How he controlled me, suffocated me. How he made me feel like I was vulgar and wrong or… or… downright insignificant! I was nothing special. Nothing worthy of his time. N-no spine… no will to… toleave! A stupid little girl, atoy… all because I let him…Ilet him, Derek! It was all my fault, don’t you understand?”
I shake my head. Trying to make sense of her rapid barrage of words, her anger, and what I can only describe as fear. I take her in my arms, winning her resistance, and kiss her forehead, holding her to me. I don't know what that piece of shit did to her, but I don't need the specifics. It seems pretty obvious to me that my suspicions were sadly correct. He took advantage of her and tried to skew her view of herself. He attacked her self-esteem and stifled her, controlled her, and tried to snuff the fire out of her. But that's the point. Hetried. He didn'tsucceed. Whatever he did to her, whatever he said, it was enough to bruise her, but it didn't break her.
I take a ragged breath, feeling my heartbeat kick up even more, a veil of tears blurring my vision of her beautiful, beloved face.
"Your fault, sweetheart?! What are you saying? Of course, it wasn’t your fault! This lays squarely on that abusive bastard’s shoulders! You are not to blame!"
She sniffs. “I was so weak…”
I kiss the top of her head. "No, Carina. You weren't.Hewas. It's just like you said. You were surprised, shocked. He changed on you. It took you a while to react, but then you did. Didn't you?"
She nods a little but says nothing.
