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“He is a miserable, manipulative son of a bitch and he knows it, angel! He is nothing but a coward who likes to put smart women down to make himself feel better. You got out as soon as you realized you were strong enough to break free, baby… and even if you had stayed on because you were scared and felt like you couldn’t leave him, it still wouldn’t have been your fault. He still would have been the weak one. Don't you see?"
I feel her tears on my chest as she shakes her head.
“Carina, listen to me! This is about us. Don’t let that lying sack of waste interfere with what we could have, don’t let him win! Take back what he took from you!”
“I can’t… I don’t know how,” she whispers softly, her voice breaking along with my heart.
I pull away a little and tilt her face up until she is looking at me, my fingers gently holding her chin. “Of course you do, baby! He is nothing but a piece of shit! A puny, small-minded, wimpy asshole. You’re safe with me. Don’t you know that? He can’t hurt you anymore. I would never let him… hell,youwould never let him!”
She takes several steps away from me. “But that’s just it, Derek. He can’t, but… but you can.”
Her words are like a slap. They come with a realization so painful it almost knocks me over.
She can't really believe I would treat her like that, but she is afraid I could. Afraid I could change, just like he did. She has spent the last nine years protecting herself from pain. She doesn't feel safe. She doesn't trust me, and I can't make her if she doesn't want to.
I try one more time, but I don’t have much hope at this point. “Carina, it’s not going to be like that. It’s not going to end.You are safe with me, angel. I'm not going to change. What you see is what you get. I'm pretty simple, and I… I love you."
She starts to cry even louder now, crumpling on the floor, her head on her knees. “Don’t say things like that, Derek… they aren’t true. How could they be?”
I swallow hard, feeling the tears sliding down my face. I kneel before her, trying to catch her eye, but she won't look at me.
“They are. It’s true: I love you, angel. You know it’s true. You’re safe with me. You’re safe if we belong to each other. You're safe if you're mine."
She looks up, sniffing and crying, her hair partially hiding her now flushed face. "I can't be yours, Derek. I can't belong to anyone. I don't think… I don't think we can be together if you want more than I can give."
I nod and stand up, trying to breathe through the pain. “And what can you give, Carina? Aside from sex? What?”
She looks to the side and says nothing.
I close my eyes. “Is there a chance...? Tell me there’s at least hope you could in time.”
She stands up as well and shakes her head, drying the tears on her face with the back of one hand. “I’m sorry, Derek. I don’t… I don’t see how it could be…”
I let go of a deep, shaky breath. "You know where I stand, Carina! All or nothing. I want your heart. It's already mine, and you know it. You are mine, and I'm yours already. Even if you don't want to see it... don't want to admit it. You're scared, that's all, but I know you can be brave if you want to. For yourself and for us and for all the happiness we could have together.”
She heavily sits on the edge of the bed, her head down. “There’s nothing more I can say, Derek.”
I nod once, fighting to keep my emotions under control. I take a deep breath and start to pull my clothes on as fast as I can.
I put my jacket on, stuff my tie in a pocket and turn to look at her one more time. She looks so forlorn, so fragile that it’s physically painful to keep myself from striding to her, picking her up, and holding her to me until the pain goes away.
I'm so hurt and so fucking mad, but I know I can't push her any more than I already have. I have to go even if it's the last thing I want to do, even if it kills me.
If I want her to feel safe with me, I have to prove to her that she can be in control just as much as I can and that she can really trust me. I won't force her.
I would be just like that soulless bastard, Jonathan, if I did. If I rant and rave, if I try to make her see even more than I have already done, If I insist, she will never come to trust me or our love.
I walk to her and kiss her softly on the head. My voice is shaking, rough, and deep like I haven't used it for a while when I talk. "This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, Carina, but I will do it for you if that's what you need. I just want you to know that I love you. I do… I'mnotJonathan. You just have to find it in yourself to trust what's between us, what you feel for me. I know, and I can even understand that you're trying to protect your own heart right now but to do so, you're breaking mine in the process. I thought I could stand it, but it's just too painful. I don't think we should see each other for a while.”
For a never-ending minute she says nothing, then she dries her tears and looks at me, and for a moment, I hope she'll say what I want to hear, but she doesn't.
“I don’t think it will be wise to… to give ourselves a break and try again. There is no point. The main feature of ano-strings-attachedarrangement is the possibility for either one of the parties involved to end things with no questions asked. I’m doing it now, Derek. Please…” Carina’s voice cracks at the end, but I do as she asks.
There's nothing more I can say. Nothing she's ready to hear anyway.
I let myself out and slowly close the door of her apartment behind me, but then I linger there, my forehead pressed against the cold surface of it, my eyes shuttered as I try to regain my breath and make sense of the last half an hour of my life.
Even from the hall, in the silence of the early morning, I can hear her heart-wrenching sobs and gasps, but I still force myself to unclench my fists, take a step back and walk away from there even if all I want to do is break down the fucking door, stalk back in that apartment, hold her tight and never let her go.
