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“Iam,”Ireply with a smile. “Doesthat make a difference?”
“Well, it means you’re probably a good person, if you want to save lives, help people.”
Thatis a punch to my gut.Wantto and do save lives, but mostlyIneed to consume their life for my nourishment.
“AndIwant to help you, even if just for tonight.”Ourgazes lock. “Ifyou’ll allow me.”
* * *
EVAN
I’mpositive thatI’mout of my mind or in an alternate universe.Ishouldn’t trust this guy, whether he is anEMTor not.Hesaid he was immortal forHeaven’ssake, and expects me to trust that he has been honest with me.I’mbarely out of the state ofWyoming, and once again treading into murky waters.
Iwant peace.Isthat even possible, like he offers?Whatif by some miracle he could fix this desire in my heart?Whatwill that be like, to have this desire forLukegone?Thatalone pushes my hands to slide into his.They’rewarm and large, but instead of feeling attraction,Ifeel a connection.
“Idon’t want to close my eyes,”Itell him as if keeping them open would save me from whatever his intentions really are.
“Youdon’t have to.Justtake deep breaths, slow and steady, and each time you breathe out, give me all of the bad feelings.”
“Idon’t want to forget either.Iam not sure if you were serious, butIdon’t want that.”
Henods carefully. “Justemotions, no memories,” he says as ifI’mmaking a special order from a menu.
Thisis probably complete bullshit, butItake a deep breath and let it out.
“I’lltake it slow,” he says softly.Hishands slide up my arms so we’re clasping one another’s forearms.
Withone breath after the other,Itry to find a comfortable rhythm.Ittakes a few breaths, butIfeel it.
Myfeelings are being peeled like an onion.Itis a very odd sensation.First, the fear dissipates, then a calm settles over me.EventhoughIknow my mind is being penetrated,Ifeel soothed.Acomfort spreads through my body as if my blood has been cold and is now warming under his touch.Itisn’t the same as whenLuketouches me.Thereis no arousal or excitement withEvander, which gives me a little comfort.
ThenIfeel it.Justfrom thinking aboutLuke, the ever-present guilt slithers over my bones.Ithas weight that makes it difficult to breathe.Ican feel myself sinking into its dismal depths.Aforce is fighting it.Ifeel my soul stretching, wanting to be rescued.
Idon’t mean to, butIclose my eyes, sucked in by the war being waged on my emotions.Itchanges everything.Theparasite that has latched itself to my chest, heavy and relentless, slowly lifts away.Theweight of my universe dissipates.Mynext breath out leaves me feeling likeI’ma child, free and unencumbered.ThenLukeappears in my thoughts, but instead of feeling overwhelmed by every feeling in the world,Ifeel…Ifeel bliss.
“DoesLukefeel the same about you?”
“Yes.”Theword drips from my mouth as ifIdon’t have a care in the world.I’mso relaxed,Iwould probably admit to anything.
Hisquestion spins me into the memory of the first timeIadmitted to myselfIwas in love withLuke.Itwas in my shower after his dad died.Wetouched each other so intimately.Thereis no pain or sadness as there was then.Ifeel strong for him, there for him.Myheart feels open and swollen with love.Ilook overLuke’sbody and am in awe of how beautiful he is.
“Luke,”Iwhisper to my memories.
Thescene shifts andRachelis with us, inLuke’sroom.Thethree of us are physically connected, rocking against one another as we make love.Idon’t feel the loss, or any of the feelingsIusually feel.Wherethere has been doubt, there is now assurance.Itjust feels so damn good, liberating, andIthink…Ifeel their love for me.
“Youdo feel it.You’vejust let the guilt and shame overpower the love the three of you have.Thebad feelings don’t diminish the love they have for you.”
Wantingto explore every memoryIhave with them, without this burden of guilt,Isearch through my memories.Iallow myself to remember the kissesLukeplaced on my face, my neck, everywhereIwould let him.Ilick my lips and realize how muchImiss him.Theregret hits me hard, but it quickly ricochets away so thatI’mfree to imagine kissingLukefor the first time.Ilet myself imagine how it will feel, how warm his lips will be, and wonder if he’ll be aggressive or tender.Iwant both so badly,Ican’t decide which fantasy to land on, soIallow all the scenarios to wash over me.
“Iwant this.Whycan’tIhave this?”Irealize tears are stinging my face, but then even the stinging dissipates quickly.
“Youdo,Evan.Youdohave it.Don’tyou understand?Youfelt it when you were with them.”
Ididhave it, but asEvandersaid,Iran away from it.
Likea slingshot,I’mflung into the memory of the nightIleft.Fora while that night,Ifelt just as free asIfeel now thatI’mreliving it, only there is no guilt lurking in the back of my mind.Nothingis threatening to pull me into the darkness and rip my soul to shreds.Everythingin me wants to let go and give in to all thatLukeandIare feeling.Everytouch fromLukefeels exponentially pleasurable.Thepleasure is heightened and intensified, and the love…Godhelp me, the love between us is consuming, pure, and absoluteHeaven!
It’stoo much pleasure, too much good, andIdon’t know how to allow myself to enjoy it.Iforce my eyes open, and slowly,Evanderopens his.They’reglowing like a gas stove, silvery white flames with just a hint of neon blue.
