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“Don’tbe afraid.Thisis whatIam,Evan, and what we’re doing causes my eyes to illuminate.”
Feelingactual fear for the first time in his presence,Ipull my arms against my chest. “Whatare you?”
Theinstant the connection is broken, all the bad emotions slam into me, taking my breath and causing pain to ripple through my body.Igroan in agony as all of it floods back into me.Evandermoves next to me and takes me in his arms.
“Hey, it’s okay.Don’tlet go that fast, okay?It’stoo much for you to take.”
Itis akin to being lifted out of icy cold water.I’mback in this strange euphoria.Hesurrounds me with it, and as his arms encircle me,Ihave no choice but to let go.Ifeel myself melting against him, but none of it scares me.I’mset free once again.
“Don’tlet go!”Iplead.I’lldo anything, let him touch me as much as he wants, just soIwill never feel that again.
“Iwon’t,Evan.Ipromised you this.Youtrusted me, and now it’s yours for as long as you need it.”
Iopen my eyes. “Doyou need to touch me more?”
“Themore skin-to-skin contact, the moreIcan take.”
Withouthesitation,Ipull my shirt over my head and throw myself into his embrace, desperate for all of it.Thewarmth of his skin against mine as we embrace dials up the intensity, andIfeel likeI’mflying, soaring.
Iknow somewhere deep in my mind that this is temporary, thatIcan’t keep this.YetIjump from one memory withLuketo one withRacheland back to both of them, experiencing them as a man with no fear, no shame, and no guilt.Thisis the manIwishIcould be.
Ifeel our bodies lower to the bed untilI’mwrapped around him and holding on for dear life.Iunabashedly lay my head on his chest and listen to the beat of his heart.Mybrain can’t convince me that this is wrong.Isqueeze my eyes shut, wanting to stay as deep into this fantasy as he’ll allow.
“It’snot wrong.Thisis my gift to you.Youshould be liberated and free to be yourself, even without my influence.Youcan have it, just as you are right now, but you have to choose it.”
Ican’t find the strength to argue or tell him thatIknow it’s impossible.Hedoesn’t know my family or their expectations.
“Youdon’t realize how blessed you are.Thelove the three of you possess is rare and true.Itis everythingI’vedreamed of for myself.”
“Youcan feel it?”Iask.
“Yes,” he practically growls, andIwonder if my thoughts of them arouse him as he shares my emotions.Thethought is heady and only adds to the feeling thatI’venever felt this alive before.
Hewas right.Ifinally have peace, andInever want to lose it.HowcanIkeep this feeling?
“Tomorrow, will you confirm it wasn’t all just a dream?”Iask.
Hishold tightens. “Ican do that.”
Iwonder how long this will last, tonight, tomorrow…forever?
“I’msorry, but this is only temporary.Itends when we stop touching.”Hemust feel my disappointment and sadness because he tells me, “Youcan stay the night if you wish.Keepthis feeling, at least through the night, and be safe to feel freedom and love.”
“Youmust be a prophet or maybe a wizard.”
“I’mneither,” he responds quietly.
Iwant to try to make sense of this, of him, and what is happening to me.Ialso don’t want to think about anything other thanLukeandRachel.
“Focuson them.Notme.Takeadvantage of my gift, and let me alleviate all of the things that weigh you down.
* * *
EVANDER
Itis not as ifI’venever done this before offered a human solace and peace.Technically,Itry to do it for every dying soulIencounter, but doing this, for a human not facing imminent death, is rare.MostlybecauseIdon’t interact with humans much, on a social or personal level, but it also makes me very vulnerable to discovery and being ostracized.
ButIcouldn’t leaveEvanwithout giving him this.Hismind and heart are so heavy.He’snot only fighting with his feelings for others but fighting his own soul.Theinner turmoil in him is too great for someone so young.
