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Igrab her hips and ease her onto my cock.Shemoans and arches her back asIsuck her tight nipple into my mouth and fully seat myself inside her.Sheloses her insecurities asIpartake of her emotions.Iindulge in her desire and feed on her lust, letting them wash away the taste of death.Sheslaps her hands to the roof above and rides my dick as if her life depended on it.Itis heady when she finally unleashes herself becauseIam always unleashed.Miseryneeds company, andIfucking need her like this.
Iswallow her panting breaths as we kiss.Hermouth is so warm, soft and so alive.Iam ravenous for her.Lifeis all over me whenI’minside her wet heat.
Fuckingsmother me with it!Iwant it to drown me!
Shecomes violently and screams through her release.Herhot arousal drenches my cock.Whenshe falls against me,Ithrow my head back against the headrest and brace her hips asIrelentlessly thrust into her clenching core.
Whycouldn’tIhave this?Lust, love, want, and need, instead of fear, anger, and death.
Ihave no right to be angry.Ihave no sire to blame for my existence becauseIwasn’t a createdPhayed.Ihave no human past or side to hold on to.Iam the elusive bornPhayed, born to bring death for eternity.
Squeezingmy eyes closed and gritting my teeth,Ifind that one thread.Theone whereIimagineI’mnot this monster, whereIcan have love and companionship.Itis there thatIfind my release, and am instantly thrown into a suspended state of finite bliss.Mybody trembles as my cock jerks.Inthis moment,Itruly believe this must be what it feels like to be human.
ButI’mnot human.
Thatis the thought that whips me out of these precious moments whereIam not a reaper, whereIam not filled by death and the memories of millions of dead souls.
Thatmoment, this feeling, the reprieve during my release, used to last longer.Iam just too full, too burdened.
Ifeel sick.
Evekisses my lips gently. “I’mhere,Evander.It’snot your fault.It’snever your fault.”
Butit is.Shewill never understand how these stolen moments of sexual gratification and pleasure are the closestIwill ever get to love and affection.Fornow, fucking her is the only wayIcan escape the pain and lose everything to be my true self, unencumbered and free, however, temporary.
Iwill never know myself through the love of another.Itis a lifeIam not meant to live.
Icrave physical intimacy, but it’s powerless to relieve the heavinessIfeel every moment.Itdoesn’t make me human.Itcan’t give me hope.Itis just a temporary lie.Imiss losing myself in another for more than mere moments.Truthfully, it’s impossible for me to disconnect from all the things in my mind.Ifeel everything all at once, to the pointIhave become numb.
No.Loveis not for theAncientBloodMoonPhayed.Sure, there are millions of people who loved the minds and psyches of thoseIpossess, butIam not the vessel they once knew to be their loved one.Ienvy the love the dying have known.Somany deny themselves love.Ifthey only knew whatIknow, they would indulge in love in any form, and make sacrifices to keep it alive.Inthe end, it’s what gives us peace, and what we hold dearest.
9
Evan
Threemore months, and it can’t come soon enough.Thiswinter has been hell for far more reasons than the copious amounts of snow we’ve had.Theonly thing colder has been my relationship withLuke.Eventhings withRachelslowed to a standstill.Afterthe dust settled in the relationship between the three of us,Lukehas existed in his own plane of reality.Heis still my best friend, butIfeelI’velost him.It’sas if he’s locked away, deep inside his mind, somewhere so distant,Ican’t reach him.Ithought it was going to be okay for a time as we remodeled the loft in the barn for him.Weworked well together, and he toiled like a man on a mission.Maybehe was…to get out of the house he shared withRachel.Oncethat was complete, it felt as if everything froze over.
Rachelneeded me for a time.Ineeded her just as much.Icame over and spent as much time asIcould with her, but it was sparse.Shewas heartbroken whenLukeended things, and it overshadowed what we felt for one another.Theneed remained, but the desire couldn’t overcome the loss ofLuke.
ThedayIhelpedLukemove out of the house, she told me she needed space.Itwasn’t about sex.Wehadn’t had sex once since everything blew up.Ilived and died to hold and kiss her, but all of it was laced with sadness and loss.Somethingseemed to change when she started showing.Peopleknew she was carryingWyatt’schild, but for some reason, the gossip became worse.
Itwas too much for her.
Toomuch for him.
Toomuch for us.
Sheneeded to focus on being a mom.Ineeded to focus on graduating…anything to keep my mind off of the two of them.
Ihave thrown myself into designing.Ihave theShadowThornehouse plans all drawn up.Itweak it constantly, wanting it to be perfect when we can all be together again, andIcan build this house for him.
Lukeworks all the time.Ifit is not on the ranch, he is working on his photography with the new cameraRachelandIgave him for his birthday.Itis a film camera, so he’s even built a makeshift darkroom in their basement.
Feelingthe pressure of all the gossip and stares, he quit coming to church.Sotoday, like everySunday,Isit in our spot withEmber, while my gaze is locked onRachel.Ihaven’t said more than a passing hello or asked how she is feeling when we’re at church.Itis the only timeIreally see her.Ihaven’t even run into her at the grocery store.
Thepiano begins to play, and we stand with the congregation.Rachelpulls herself up.It’sobvious she’s physically uncomfortable.Iconstantly fight the urge to run to her to help.Iwant to help her stand, sit, everything she needs while she’s pregnant.
Butit isn’t my place.
