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Itisn’t my baby.
WhetherIwanted it or not,I’mnot in her life anymore.
Hersoft soprano voice stands out among the rest, delicate and vulnerable.Todayshe’s stunning in a dark green dress.Shecut her hair months ago, andI’mstill not used to it.Itwas her reaction toLukemoving out.Itis foolish, but it broke my heart whenIfirst saw her with her hair barely brushing the tops of her shoulders.WhenIasked her about it, she said she needed to let go and remove some of the weight on her heart.Whather hair has to do with her emotions is beyond me.Istill haven’t gotten used to it.Although, it has grown out some.Ihope by the timeIcome home from college the first time, it’s at least below her shoulders.
Whenthe service ends,Rachelstays seated as everyone around her migrates to the doors while chatting and being social.WhenIsit beside her, she looks at me and smiles.
“Hey,Evan.”
Shelooks tired.Mychest hurts, soIpush the heel of my hand over my heart. “Hey,Siren,”Iwhisper.
Hersmile fades.IknowIshouldn’t call her that, but she still calls to me.
“Areyou okay?”Iask.
Shegives me a forced smile again. “Ofcourse.It’sjust easier to leave without having to fight my way to the door.”
Sheavoids people almost as much asLuke.Isit back and smooth my tie down my chest.
“Youlook good in that suit.”
Ismile. “Youthink?”Shenods. “Tryingto get more used to them.Someday, whenI’mworking at a firm,I’llhave to wear them.”Ipull up my pant leg. “Notgiving up my boots though.”
Shelaughs softly and then frowns. “You’vebecome such a handsome man.”
Ifurrow my brow and rest my elbows on my knees in an attempt to garner some privacy. “I’mstill the same man you used to want to touch.”
Shecrosses her arms and looks away. “No.You’vechanged.You’remore mature.”
“Iguess heartbreak does that to a guy.”Whenshe reaches out and takes my hand, it surprises me, butIsqueeze her tightly.
“Imiss you,” she breathes out with desperation. “Don’tdoubt that for a second.”
“I’mhere,Rachel.You’regoing to need me soon.Youalready do.Letme help you.”
“Helpwith what?Thedishes thatIcan’t do because my back hurts so bad?”
Ipull our joined hands into my lap. “Yes, and the laundry and cooking—anything you need help doing.”
“Lukestill cooks dinner every night.Heinsists.Lately, he’s been having breakfast ready in the morning too.”
“I’mglad.Westill want to take care of you.”
Thereis a laugh from behind us, and our hands quickly separate.
“Ishould get home.It’ssupposed to snow more this afternoon.Ihave designs on taking a nap.I’mso exhausted these days.Ithink my body is just tired of carrying another human around.”
“Rest,Rachel.Youmust, for both you and her.”
Sheabsentmindedly rubs her belly and nods. “I’mtrying,Evan.”
Istand and hold out my hand. “Comeon,I’llhelp you to your car.I’mgoing to follow you home to make sure you get there safely.”
Shelets me help her to her feet but tsks at me. “That’snot necessary.”
Ilean closer to her ear as we make our way down the aisle of the deserted sanctuary. “MomandDadare going to have lunch with some friends inJackson.Letme stay with you this afternoon.”
Shedoesn’t answer, andIdon’t push, as we make our way through the few stragglers to her car.Imake sure to hold her steady as we walk over the snow that has been trampled down until it’s hard and slick.Onceshe’s inside the car,Ipull the belt across her body and buckle it.
