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Aflash of him sinking deep into her body pops into my head.Grabbingmy hat,Ileave the kitchen as quickly asIcan manage, and hurry to the barn.Thecold air slams into me like a train, sucking away what little airIhave left in my lungs.Mylips and cheeks ache and dry out from the sting.
Atleast it isn’t far to my little escape room.Itis not really that small, and the minuteIstep inside and close the door, warmth surrounds me.Ihang up my hat and remove my boots and shirt.Ileft my coat at the house.I’llget it in the morning whenImake her breakfast.
Afterthrowing some wood on the low burning fire,Icollapse onto my sofa, and there they are.EvanandRachel, and all of the most beautiful things in existence, staring back at me from the wall of photographs across the room.
Thepicture ofEvanon horseback last autumn is my favorite.Thetwo of them kissing on the porch swing is another favorite.Theydidn’t even knowItook it.Therest are sunsets, wildlife, and images ofShadowThornethat remind me of everythingIhold most dear.
I’vejacked off looking at this wall more times thanIcan count.Tonightwill probably be no different.I’ma weak man when it comes to the two of them.
Reachingback into my pocket,Iretrieve my wallet and the ultrasound photo.Iplace it on the cushion next to me and look over her innocent features, tracing them with my finger.
“Momwould have loved you, little angel.Shewould have loved you as if you were her own, just likeIdo.”
I’mscared to death of her arrival, and yetIcan’t wait for her to be here.Sheis going to set something right that has been wrong.Shewill make it easier to be withRachel.
Thereis a soft knock on the door. “Luke.”
“Goaway,”Igrumble.
“Please.Ijust want to spend some time alone with you.”
Doesn’the realize thatIleft soIcould be alone with my demons?
“I’mnot good company.”
Herattles the doorknob. “Youare to me.”
Reluctantly,Ilet him in only to return to my spot on the sofa, except this timeIdon’t stare at my wall of torture.Heenters carefully and sits next to me.Themoment he sees the ultrasound photo,Imentally kick myself for leaving it out.
“Youlove her already.”
“Who?”Iask.
Helifts the photo. “Olivia.”
Isnatch it away and shove it under the copy ofEdgarAllenPoepoemsIbought online. “She’snot even here yet.”
Evannods in that way that tells me he’s tolerating my bad mood.Idon’t even know why he is here.Heknows whenIneed to be alone, and usually respects it.
“Youdon’t have to be so closed off all the time.”
“I’mnot,”Ipractically scoff as if it will make the lie true. “It’sbeen a long day.Theweather was shit, andIdidn’t take any photos worth my time today.”
“Don’tyou know it hurts us?” he asks.
Ofcourse,Iknow.Ithurts me more, though.
“It’snot my fault, the way things must be,Evan.Howdo you want me to act?I’mnot going to lie to either of you.You’reboth fooling yourselves if you don’t accept that in a couple of months whatever you’re still clinging to is going to unravel.”
Helooks away, andIsee his jaw tick in the dim firelight.
“CanIstay the night?”
Thisis ridiculous.Somuch so thatIgo to the dresser and grab a clean pair of boxers and make my way to the bathroom.Istop at the doorway, trying not to react. “Anddo whatEvan?”
“Benear you.Idon’t want you to be so alone all the time.”
Meeither.
