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Okay, that came from left field. “Whatdo you mean?”Iask.
Sheshrugs lightly. “Whatare we to her?Areyou going to be her brother, or should we be her parents in case, down the road…?”
“Hell!”JustwhenIthought things couldn’t get more complicated. “Youwant me to pretend to be her dad when she’s my sister?”
“Half-sister,” she corrects. “Itwon’t be pretending.Youcan’t tell me that we won’t be parenting her together.Iwas just thinking that maybe we should let her see us that way so that if you andIdecide to be together, it won’t be so…”
“Fuckinginsane?Becausethis conversation is insane!”
“Betterto figure it out now than when she’s three years old and calling you daddy after you introduce her as your sister.”
Igrind my teeth together and angle my body toward her. “Andwhat ifEvanwants to play house somewheredown the road?Whatthen?”
Sherolls her eyes at me.
“Don’ttell me you haven’t considered that.Ifyou have, then you know there is no way we can have a damn throuple when the kid is my sister!”Ishake my head and jam my finger on the table. “Noway in hell are we putting that little girl through the trauma that our relationship has already caused all three of us.”
“Trauma?”
“Yes,Rachel.Trauma.Doyou have any idea howEvanhas suffered?BecauseIdidn’t until the weekend of my birthday.WhatIwas doing to him was destroying him.”
“Isthat why you pushed him away?”
Irub the back of my neck and look across the restaurant in case anyone could be within earshot of our conversation. “Ihad to.Icouldn’t do that to him anymore.Heneeded me to stop pleading for more from him.Whathe wants, and what he feels is right, are in direct contradiction with each other.I’mpretty sure his version of right will always win out, so yeah,Istopped pushing him.”
WhenIglance at her, she’s playing with the discarded wrapping paper from her straw. “Youdid the right thing.Idon’t have that kind of strength.I’malways going to hold out for the three of us to be together.”
“Andwhere exactly does that leaveOlivia?”
Herhands immediately shield her belly.Tearsfall heavy and hard.
Motherfucker!Ifeel more like shit thanIdid five seconds ago.
Iwrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her against me.
“Wecan teach her that what we have is good and right.Itwill be her normal,” she says.
“Itdoesn’t work that way.Wecan’t isolate her.Herfriends, people at school and church, will be right there telling her something different.”
“Idon’t want it to be like that.”
“Idon’t either, but you know it’s the truth.”
Shebreaks down and buries her face against my shoulder.Hercrying doesn’t skip a beat even when the waitress brings our food.
“Canyou just box this up and bring the check?”Iask.
Thewaitress looks like she just stumbled upon a car accident.Itfeels something like that; an accident that keeps happening, over and over again.Shelooks overRachelwith pity and concern but nods as she leaves with the food.
“I’mOlivia’shalf-brother…no, her whole brother.I’mentirely her brother,Rachel.ButIpromise you,Iwill protect and care for her like a father, andIwill love her with my entire being.”
Shesputters and pushes at my chest untilImove and let her run to the restroom.Irub my hands over my face, completely exasperated.Thisshit is killing me.
11
Evan
“Youneed to come home after church,”Dadtells me over breakfast.
