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Thesadness in his eyes says all the wrong things. “Almost.Iwas going to.Wewere going to.”
“Whydidn’t you?”
“Itsounds stupid.I’vebeen too demanding with my fucking expectations for him.”
“Idon’t understand.”
Witha heavy groan, he lies back, his hand clutching his chest over his heart. “Evanwon’t kiss me.Doyou realize he has never let me kiss him?”
“Yes.Therewere times…the two of you were so close.Iwanted it for you both, especially when the three of us were together.”
Hewipes his eyes. “Beforewe did anything,Iasked him to kiss me.Ineeded that one small thing from him soIcould know for sure that he really loves me, that he wasn’t giving up on us.Idon’t ask for much.”
Hedoesn’t ask for enough.
“Butit was important to me.”Heraises his hands in resignation.
Islide down and lay my head on his shoulder.Takinghis hand in mine,Ikiss his knuckles. “Hewouldn’t.”
“No.Hedidn’t seem to understand how much it means to me.Fuck,Rachel!Ikicked him out.”
I’mshocked.Lukeisn’t one to lose his temper, andInever could imagine him kickingEvanout.
“Iwas hurt.Ifeel likeI’vebeen in an emotional tug of war with him, andIjust couldn’t take another tug at my heart.”
Ikiss his shoulder and cuddle closer.
“IfIcan’t have you both, completely, freely love you both, completely…Ican’t.Ican’t do this halfway with either of you.It’stoo painful.”
He’sright.Itried to have it, some part of it.WeexcludedLuke, and look how we have hurt him. “I’msorry for excluding you.”AndIam.
“Don’tbe, babe.Iunderstood, andIknew you and he needed each other.Itwas my choice to pull away,” he says.
Butit’s too late.Isee what we have done, and it breaks my heart.Allof it breaks my heart.Atthe center of it all,Iam the reason it all started falling apart.Thatpains me more than anything.
“IthinkIneed to go.”
Hepulls me closer. “Stay.Bothof you.Wedon’t have to lick our wounds alone.”
Imake myself pull away, gather upOlivia, and gather our things, as much asIcan carry.
“Ithink it’s best if we do,Luke.Otherwise,I’mgoing to throw myself at your feet, just likeEvandid.Deepdown,Iunderstand why he came to you.”
Weare withering withoutLuke’slove and affection.Ifwe can’t have each other, we both automatically run toLuke.Heis the backbone, the caregiver, and the one who sacrifices everything for us.Healways knows what’s best for us, what we need when we don’t know ourselves.Withouthim, we were blindly moving forward.Itwas risky.
Everythingin me wants to stay, beg him to love me, and hide me in his arms.
Buthe can’t.
Hecan’t, because the lines between us are so muddy, they’re obscene.I’mnot sure anyone’s relationship could survive the scrutiny we would bring upon ourselves.Ilook down atOlivia.Thejudgment it would bring to her.
“Rest,”Itell him with a clipped tone. “I’llbring more lemonade later, butI’llleave it on the steps.Ijust…”
AsIback up to the door, holdingOliviaclose, his long strides eat up the distance between us.Fuck, he looks so distraught!
“Rachel, don’t do this!Notright now.Wecan have a few moments, a few hours like this.”
Iplace my hand on his chest, keeping him at arm’s length. “Idon’t want to hurt you orEvanany more thanIalready have.Pleasedon’t ask me to give in becauseIwill,Luke.I’ma strong woman, butIcan’t deny you.YouknowIcan’t.Evan’sgoing to leave us soon, andIneed to let us go too…all of us.Thethree of us.”
