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Someone that’snotme.
Or June.
Or related to him.
Anobjectivethird party.
The last thing I want is for him to believe that Fate cursed him with a family of critics versus cheerleaders. I want Lo to feel the love and support that I got, the same love that his mother gave her sisters that before me no one really gave to her. I don’t want our son going through life feeling unseen and unheard and unacknowledged.
Another reason I don’t want our family to get any bigger.
I’ve mastered the art of properly providing attention to both, anymore and I might not be able to do that.
And to make matters worse, I might lose even more ofme.
Not that I’m exactly complaining.
I mostly love where I am in life.
I still get to see the world. Hear stories.Makestories. Plus, exploring new places and foods and art with the two people I love most in the world is a gift from Fate I truly never stop thanking her for.
How could I be anything other than grateful?
I have everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I didn’t know I needed.
Love inallof its various forms is the type of shit most people spend their entire lives simply hoping to experience, yet I get to be fully immersed in it.
Constantly.
I guess I just worry about reaching a point where the paint cup runs dry, a point where I’ve spent so much time and focus and energy painting for everyone else there’s no supply left to paint forme.A point…I hate to admit I’m teetering on the brink of. You know I truly understand the need – probably better than most – to make time for yourself. To make time to refill those buckets and cans. To make time to rinse off your metaphorical paintbrush so that it lasts longer. My therapist helped me recognize that that’s something I was doing subconsciously for years. It’s something that assisted in making me mentally healthier than others who had gone through trauma like mine. She also encouraged me to express that need to others and to support those around me to do the same so that they would better understand why getting lost alone for hours in artwork is a need versus a want.
Every relationship – especially the one we have with ourselves – has needs.
Life is about working with Fate to not only meet those but to make sure they arebalanced.
Which is hard enough around actively raising Lo, maintaining a healthy marriage, June’s unstoppable career, me working for the family, spending time withbothour families as well as trying to maintain a certain level of closeness with Jaye and Archer and Adolfo and Michelle and all the other kindred spirits we’re connected to.
Adding more children into the mix would most likely transition us from difficult to impossible.
Fate knows this.
That’s why after this many years we still have just the one.
Our very special one that’s currently grabbing another berry from our bucket I assume to perform the failed trick for the third time.
“I show you again, Dad.”
“How about we save what’s left of the berries instead, Loudini?” Scooting the collection object closer to me is slyly done. “Remember, we need to take some home to Mom.”
He nods at my point. “They’ll magically make her feel better!”
“Yup.”
At least her spirits.
Doubtful they’ll help her stomach.
However, Dew B Farmsdoessell a special tea blend that I think might actually do the trick. I’ll probably grab a box of that and then have me and Lo swing by the local holistic shop to see what they’ve got to offer too, consequently allowing her more time to rest in peace – something pretty improbable with Lo wanting her help for something every four to eight minutes. And if nothing natural works to soothe the nausea, I’ll go to the nearest store to grab her something more pharmaceutical based.
