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“We have needs, June Bug. As parents. As husband and wife. And as individuals. And lately…my need for the latter is struggling to be met. Now, that’s not your fault-”
“Then why do I feel like it’s my fault?”
“Because instead of communicating to you this issue, I just painted over it. Again. And again. And again. But we both know what happens to a canvas when it’s not properly primed. The paint can rot it or cause dry patches or create discoloration when it doesn’t grip properly. Which is exactly what’s happened here. Rather than talking about shit with you, expressingwhyI needed to take that gig with Fynn, and why I’m filled with worry versus joy over having another kid, and reassuring you that it’s not you or something about you, that it’s a fuckingmething, I just kept painting over everything. Caking on problems until it cracked. Until…wecracked.” I can’t stop the slow headshake that presents itself. “Andthatis the only thing I resent, June. That I caused our canvas to crack when it didn’t have to.”
Her baggy t-shirt covered frame folds slightly forward. “Tell me what you need me to know, Tuck.”
“I’m not happy.”
The bluntness instantly threatens the tears I didn’t want it to.
“I’m not happywith me.”
Perplexity pierces her stare as her jaw tumbles downward.
“I love being a dad. Like…I love that shit like I love painting. I’m not sure how I lived without it for so long and not sure I could ever live without it again.” Her smile encourages me to continue. “But I realized…just like my favorite art form, I need to be able to exploreoutsideof that. I need…a life outside of being a dad. I need time that I can go and revitalize my soul. And nurse my creativity. And fill my spirit with the energy it needs to be the best dad, best husband, best son, bestpersonI can be. And I haven’t been getting that. And with another kid on the way I know the chances of getting that are even slimmer than they are now.”
“You need a littlelesstime with Lo and a little more time withyou?”
There’s no stopping dread from dropping itself onto my shoulders. “God, that sounds so fucking selfish.”
“It’s okay to be a little selfish, Tuck,” she swiftly retorts prior to placing the cup back down. “We all need to be alittleselfish sometimes. You taught me that. You taught me it doesn’t make you some sort of monster for taking care of you.”
“Yeah, but that was different. That was before we got married and had kids and-”
“And that doesn’t change the fact we stillneedto take care of ourselves.”
Her statement offers unanticipated relief.
“And you wanna know what’s crazy? You needlesstime with Lo while I needmore.”
Being taken completely off guard cocks my head in shock. “What?”
“Ihatethat I’ve missed so much. That Imissso much.” Sadness glosses over her stare once more. “I love my job, Tucker. You know that I do. You know it is the definition of my dream job-”
“I know.”
“But I hate that I miss so many chances to make memories and go on adventures with you and Lo. Like not knowing about the trip to the magic shop that inspired this obsession because I was meeting with an artist. Or missing him play his first hockey game because my flight got delayed-”
“You should really thankChaquén – the Muisca deity of sports – for that. Having him play goalie damn near gave Uncle Brett a stroke.”
She giggles and playfully pushes me on the shoulder. “I saw clips. He wasn’t that bad!”
“Koose Koose would’ve been a better fit.”
“Shut the fuck up,” June playfully demands around more laughter.
“I’m telling you, June Bug. Little Critter gotmostof your coordination.”
Both hands cup her face to hide her blushes.
“It’s why we’re on a first name bases with almostallof the ER staff at Highland Medical.”
“OhmyGoya…” Her hands drop right before her expression does. “Butthisis what I’m talking about, Tuck.Iwant to see his not-so-great moments like that. And I wanna be in the room when they’re bandaging him while he cons them out of extra stickers. And I…I…I just wanna miss less with him as well as less with the next one.”
I lift one hand up to deliver a kiss to her knuckles.
“You miss being the one out there getting to know new people and I miss being at home getting to know the person we have.” The tiniest bite of her bottom lip is stolen. “How about we just flipflop for a while? How about you do the main working thing and I do the main parenting thing?”
