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“You crazy?”
I smiled and wasn’t sure how to answer. “Not crazy, not in the usual sense of that word, but I have issues. Everyone does, mostly. Sometimes, I want Noah to… do more to me. I think he holds back a lot because he doesn’t want me to solely depend on the pain to deal with my head.”
“Makes sense.”
“Oh, does it?”
“Sure thing. It’s like boozin’ after some fucker breaks your heart. If you start in that bottle, you drown before you get help most times. My Daddy did that. He’s all sober now and found Jesus and whatever. Used to puke in the middle of the living room most nights or piss in his easy chair and he wants to jump my ass for suckin’ dick. Makes no goddamned sense.”
I thought about how wise he was for being so young. My worry about him eased a great deal after that talk. “No. It really doesn’t.”
The next time I got on the computer to talk to the therapist, I discovered an email from her. She had to suspend her sessions because of a family emergency, but she’d sent certain of us to different people for the time being.
I groaned, as I figured I’d have to explain to a whole new person, but Noah told me to call them and make an appointment, which I did. I left a message, and almost immediately, he called.
“This is Brian Lauder. Elijah?”
“Eli, yeah, Dr. Lauder. Thanks for calling back. Listen, I could just as well wait until Dr. Tepper gets back.”
“Not at all. She’s a dear friend and with her mother sick, I volunteered for duty, so to speak. I’ve read your file, and I’d like to take you on in her absence. I rarely take new clients, but for her I will, and if we get along, I’ll continue with you, if you like.”
I sat back and watched Noah take a seat across from me, trying not to overhear every word I said, while at the same timelisteningto every word I said. “Why would you do that? Am I some special case you could write about in some journal?”
I got a scowl from Noah for smart mouthing the therapist, but the doctor laughed. “I assure you, Eli, I no longer care about being published in journals. I have a small practice now, mostly pro-bono work. I have a few clients, like you, that live far from cities or where I live, and we do our work via video conference. If that’s agreeable for you, I have time now.”
I didn’t like him. I didn’t like any of it, but I knew Noah would be pissed off if I denied it. “Sure, why not?”
Noah nodded.
“Wonderful. I’ll send you a link for my video chat to your email now. Are you somewhere where you can speak freely?”
“My… partner is here.”
“Well, I’d rather our first session be private. If that’s a problem, please, let me know and we can reschedule.”
I got up and grabbed the laptop. “I can go into the bedroom.”
Noah smiled at me, patting my ass as I passed him on the way.
After hanging up the phone, I wanted to whine about the whole thing, but I got the email, hit the link and soon, I was seeing the man face to face.
He was nothing like I had pictured. Blue eyes, dark hair, beard, with silver streaks throughout, wearing a black turtleneck and looking like he had more money than God. He was a beautiful man, but nothing compared to Noah in my eyes.
“Hello, Eli. I’m Brian Lauder.”
“Should I call you…?”
“Brian is fine. We’re going to be talking about very personal things when you trust me, anyway. Why be formal?”
“Okay, Brian. Let’s get this out of the way. I’m gay, with a man I’ve only been with for a very few months. We live together, and this is after I just broke up with a guy that… well, he wasn’t great to me. I know it’s too soon. I didn’t have time to heal, yada, nada. Oh, and my new man whips my ass and I love it. So, diagnose me with all kinds of things and try to throw pills at me. I won’t take them.”
The man just stared at me for a long moment, then he cracked a smile that I didn’t expect. “Well, that was a lot. Not that I don’t get that often. Eli, I am a dominant, and have two submissive men living with me. They have for years. I don’t get into my personal life often, but I tell clients that much, so you know I will never judge you for your lifestyle, your sexuality or anything else. I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help.”
That deflated every hatred I had for the man. “Shit. Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I, too, have been to therapy, so I know how it feels to think you’re being judged. I promise, Eli, I’m not judging. Though, I will tell you that you unloading all of that was a little telling. You think that being in a relationship, a romantic and sexually experimental one, so soon after a bad one is something I would judge. Why do you feel that way?”
“Because… maybe I’m judging myself for it?”
