AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Was that a question?”
The guy was good. “No. I was… someone made me think about it very recently, and it’s been on my mind since. I am totally in love with my partner, though. He’s everything I’ve wanted for a long time. Does it matter that I didn’t take a year or ten to grieve my last one?”
“No, Eli. It’s not wrong. We all grieve and mourn for things in our own way, in our own time. You can still do that, being in a new relationship. That is, if you feel comfortable doing that with your new partner.”
“I can tell him anything. I know he loves me.”
“Good. Start there. I’d like to speak with you both another time, but our sessions are for us. Is that fine?”
“Yes,” I said, and I think I really meant it, even at the time. He’d won me over quickly, but wasn’t that one of my problems?
“This new relationship, it being a dominant, submissive relationship on top of the romantic one, is it healthy? Does he respect your boundaries?”
“I don’t have a lot of those. I mean some, yeah, but I like pain, okay? I know, you might think, even in the lifestyle, that I’m using it to punish myself, but that’s not it.” He let me ramble, and it was a purging I didn’t expect to have. “I have issues, like PTSD, and you probably read that. When I’m in the middle of getting hurt… it goes away. All of it, everything. I’ve been told I have survivor’s guilt. I do, sure, I guess, but I’m not punishing myself. It just makes me forget.”
“I see. Well, there are lots of ways that we punish ourselves. If you lead a lifestyle that has you using crutches, no matter what they are, it’s not healthy. BDSM should never be used as a crutch. I have my own, Eli, so I know about crutches. They’re easy to lean on, but they can’t hold us forever. It’s good you’ve decided about therapy. I would like, in our sessions, to get you to a place where submitting to the man you love and trust is purely for pleasure and for mutual needs to be met. Let’s see if we can’t take the crutch and leave the rest.”
“Should we… stop?”
“With the pain? Is that the only part of it that… as you put it, takes the rest away from your mind?”
“Yes.” I had to be honest, the rest helped to ease me, but none of it took me out of my head like the pain. “I don’t want to stop it all. I’ve finally found a man I can live my kinks with, and…”
“No, you should be happy that you’ve found someone that not only understands but shares those things. Let’s just take the pain off the table. For now. Not forever.”
As disappointed as I was about that, I understood. “I want this with Noah to last. He’s… really great. And he’s tried to help me as much as he could.”
“He sounds like a good man. Do you think he’ll be okay with taking the pain out of the kink?”
“Sure,” I said and meant it. I knew he’d do anything I needed. “Listen, I’m sorry I came off like a jerk.”
“No, no, I’m fine with it. I do this for a living, or I used to. I volunteer with subs that were abused a lot, and I see that in you, but not from this current relationship. From the way you speak about Noah, you shine. You don’t do that if you’re being abused.”
“He’d never… ever hurt me like that. I trust him.”
“Good. So, that being established, let’s talk about the one that did abuse you. I think, maybe, he’s the place to start, and then we’ll get into the other things that gave you the PTSD. Is that alright?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine.”
Brian and I spoke for over two hours. He said he didn’t have short sessions to start with, so that he could get a relationship started with new clients. I had a feeling he was just saying that, because once I realized how long we’d been talking, I apologized. Like Noah, he only wanted me at ease.
Once we were off, and the laptop on the bed closed. I found Noah cooking dinner. I went right into his arms, and he held me while I felt like I’d lost a gallon of blood. “That bad?”
“That good. He’s… he’s good, Noah. He’d like to do a couple’s thing with us once I have a few more sessions. I said I’d talk to you about it.”
“I think that would be just fine, babe.” He pulled away and cupped my cheek. “You look tired.”
“Took a lot out of me. By the way… he thinks maybe… and I agree, but only for a while, that we should stop with the pain parts of the stuff we do.”
“If that’s what he thinks, that’s what we’ll do.”
I knew he’d agree, but it still surprised me. “Really? It’s okay with you?”
“Eli, I like stuff like that too, but I was only doing most of the pain stuff because you needed it. I have a lot of things I’d like to do with you that have nothing to do with pain. Things you will like and other things you’ll hate, but this comes first. You being okay, that comes first, always! What part of that don’t you get?”
I held up both hands to him and surrendered. “I get it. I’m still getting used to it. That’s all.”
“Go sit and let’s eat some grub. Then we’ll have one of our nights in front of a terrible movie.”
