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As I pulled back my hair to replace it, I realized what I was doing. I was fidgeting, I was trying to find things to do, so I didn’t have to think. Or not think.
Suddenly, I closed my eyes and immediately felt the world closing in with the thoughts thrown at me. I pushed them aside as best as I could, keeping only one thought.
At first, it was simply Noah’s face. I saw back in my memories, his smile, the way his neck corded when he’d pick up a bale of hay with those hooks. I thought of him taking off his hat, using his handkerchief to wipe his brow of sweat.
Then it turned to the sex, and I ditched that fast, knowing the point of me wasn’t to pop wood. So, then I remembered his words, what he wanted of me.
That was how he got me, and I knew then that he’d figured that out about me. I was a lot of things, but my most prized self was submissive. I’d almost forgotten how much a part of me it was when Noah took me as his sub. So, being that it was so important to me, I focused on that. What would make me a better submissive for my beautiful Dom?
How could I be a good boy for him? I could be deceitful and hide my thoughts from him, but that would break a trust that was precious to me. I had to live in the present, thinking about my life as it was on the ranch, not before that, all the time letting things eat at me.
I knew he didn’t want me to suppress feelings and thoughts about my past, but dwelling on them was a bad thing. I knew that. Still, my racing mind didn’t always know that. It would pitch me fastballs of thoughts and I’d never been good at baseball. I hit one or maybe two out of the park and the rest surrounded me right on the mound.
My mind needed the calm as much as the rest of me did. And, like Noah said, not only when I was busy with things. To be truly at peace, to be a better sub, I had to calm my thoughts and focus on what was there and then, what place I was in, and the person I was with.
I heard him return, the subtle sound of his boots walking gently and slowly over the barn floor. He didn’t come to me right away, though, watching me in my place in front of the wall.
Noah could look at a horse and know what was in its mind. The muscles twitching under the flesh, the ears being back or forward, the swishing of its tail when there were no flies to swat away. He was doing the same with me.
My shoulders were down, relaxed, and my breathing was normal. I went over my checklist and all the things I knew he’d watch for were gone, and I lifted my head, chancing to speak before him. “Do I pass inspection?”
“You do. Proud of you. Now, get over here and kiss me.”
The prize was worth all the moments I stood on that floor, in that barn, with the thoughts trying to assault me. I was held and kissed lovingly, and he never once asked me how it went. He’d seen for himself.
That afternoon, while my stomach growled for want of food, we worked well and side by side. We ate a huge “supper” that night, mashed potatoes, meatloaf made with my man’s premium beef, and a salad that I had three helpings of before we got on our coats and sat out on the porch.
The colors that evening that blazed the sky were so beautiful, I went for that entire time without a thought in my head. Our chairs were close together that night, Noah dragging mine over to his before I could sit in it. Noah’s hand was curled in mine, and life was good.
Life was good.
Chapter Seventeen
Forabouttwoweeks,our lives went on like that. We’d experiment a little at night with kink, each time with the bell on my wrist, but the ranch kept us busy, and Spirit was coming along nicely, and nearly ready to take a saddle.
It didn’t bother me that we didn’t get a lot of time for play, as I was more tired than him most nights, still getting used to the work on the ranch. I’d been busy, which meant not a lot of racing thoughts, but one night, while we were eating, Noah saw it on my face. I was never great at hiding thoughts.
“What’s going on?”
I turned to him, but then ducked my head and wiped my mouth with my napkin slowly, trying to smooth my features. “I’m okay,” I lied.
“Bullshit. If you’re gonna lie to me, Eli, then you must not think much of me.”
“You know that’s not true. I guess I don’t always like to vocalize my thoughts. That’s all.”
Noah took his plate to the sink and washed it, and while his back was to me, said, “Talk it out.”
It wasn’t a request. “If… if you need to know, I was thinking about Harvey.”
“Oh,” he hummed, but I heard the hurt in his voice.
I had to explain, but didn’t know how to do it without sounding like a prick. “I’m wondering if he’s moved on.”
“And why would you wonder that?”
The voice coming from him was more than annoyed. It edged right up to pissed. I got a little defensive. “Random thoughts, maybe, or maybe I’m hoping he found someone else, so he doesn’t come after me.”
“Has the lawyer called you?”
