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“No.”
He turned after finishing the plate and glared at me. “So, that kind of thinking makes little sense.”
“I can’t help all my random thoughts, Noah. And I shouldn’t have to.”
Yes, that was our first fight. I was heated, and not in the usual way I was with him. I got up, leaving my plate where it was, and stormed out of the house, across the yard and to the soddy, where I took my refuge that day.
I was ready to pound on the walls again, and more thoughts scrambled to take hold. The scariest of those was that Noah would probably kick me out, and maybe I’d deserve it, but I didn’t feel like I did. I was being honest, and if he thought I was wishing I was back with Harvey, then he hadn’t heard a thing I said about the man.
He came through the door, and he stood, letting the icy breeze in, and I finally turned, ready to attack him verbally, but I didn’t get the chance. He said, “I’m sorry, Eli.”
It took me aback, and the way he’d said it, his voice cracking from emotion, my anger drained right out of me. “What was that about?”
“Sit.”
I did, and he sat with me, taking my hand onto his lap. “I’m a fucking idiot. Like that time, when we were at the sex store, and you looked at the porn… I just felt enraged.”
“You didn’t look enraged, Noah.”
“I hide my anger well.” He took his time to think over what he was going to say, and though it was hard, I had to be patient. “Okay, well, I have some of my own issues, Eli. I saw a therapist, but it wasn’t for me as much asus. My husband and me.”
It became clear. “He… cheated on you.”
“Yeah, with the help of his good buddy, Richard Chase.”
That part was a surprise, but then I remembered how he was with Chase. “That’s why you hate him.”
“Yup. Fucker would cover for him while Dale went off and fucked around during the week, when he was staying in the city. I felt it. I mean, sure, we were together a while, but when two months went by and he didn’t want sex when he’d come home on the weekends, and he wasn’t exactly a chaste sorta guy, I had a good idea of what was going on. I drove up, sat outside his office, feeling like an idiot, you know? I’m not one to chase people down like that. Anyway, I saw him coming out of the office, drive off west, which was weird enough. The apartment we’d rented for him was just down the block, east of the office.”
“God, Noah…”
“I, uh… I followed him to a gay club. That’s fine, I’m not upset with flirting, drinking a couple after work, having company that you can be yourself with, all that, but when he left the bar with a man, and they then drove to the apartment, well, then I knew. I went to the door about twenty minutes after they went inside, and he came to the door, towel around his waist. He went so pale, I thought he’d faint or something. He was just stammerin’, trying to come up with some lie, and I walked away, drove all the way home. He came home a couple of hours later, begging me to forgive him. We’d talked about it, right from the start, and he told me he didn’t want to be open. I believed him, but then I knew. He didn’t wantmeto be open, just him.”
I spoke before I should have, but it came out, and I couldn’t take it back. “That and the money, Noah, how the hell did you stay with him?”
“I don’t give up on things, Eli. Once I’m with someone, that’s it for me. If he’d have walked away, left me, then fine and dandy, but I took him back and we went to therapy. That was before the money stuff, by the way. Turns out, he had to have more excitement than I could provide, so it was other men, then it was gambling.”
I moved to the floor, kneeling, moving between his knees after pulling them apart. “Noah, no wonder. Listen, that’s not me, okay? Even with Harvey, I knew he was cheating. I mean, I felt it, and I still didn’t retaliate. I…”
I had to find the words. Noah always put things in a way that I could understand and feel inside me, so I wanted to do the same for him.
“Noah, I don’t take love lightly. It’s big for me. I was a kid once, a young man in the army, and I had plenty of fun. I’m getting older, and I need stability, and I need a man that wants me and only me. Like I want him. I never want to be open, not me. I don’t need that. All I needed was a guy that wanted to be with me, care about me, let me care about them.”
“Come with me a minute.”
I backed away and got to my feet, taking his hand so he could lead me out of the soddy. When we got into the house, he led me to the bedroom, and then stood in front of the dresser.
His clothes were in the top three drawers and mine in the bottom three, what weren’t in the closet, anyway. He opened his top drawer and pulled out a tin, the kind cookies came in, and then set it on top of the dresser. “This is… see, I was going to take it to the bank, but if you needed it, and didn’t think you could go, well, it’s here.”
“What?”
“Your money. You haven’t asked for it,.I figured maybe you felt funny asking me, now that we’re more than boss and hand, so… I’ve just been stashing it. Every week, I put your pay in here.”
I started to protest that I didn’t want it, but Noah stopped me.
“Eli, I may… one day, not be everything you want. My husband didn’t want only me, so you might not eventually. I never want you to feel you have to take off with nothing if you leave here. I’ll keep putting the money in here and if you never need it, take it to the bank and start a savings account.”
I saw how important to him it was, to give me that way of escape, if that’s what I felt I needed. He was showing me he was nothing like Harvey. “Less the money for the watch, I’m hoping.”
