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I hug Eli tightly, kissing along the side of his face. It’s not like this is the first time a kid has tripped up and called me “mom,” in the years that I’ve spent volunteer teaching at college and babysitting.
But it means something to Derek, and watching him shut down proves that to me.
Eli falls asleep in my arms and I notice that he’s a little warm, but I chalk it up to the sunny day outside and the car ride here. I lie him back down on the couch and Derek clears his throat, starting to clean up the pizza boxes and glasses we had left lying around.
Something’s changed since this weekend and I can feel it, but I know that Derek won’t want us to tell the kids that we’re together. Not yet, anyway. It’s complicated.
I shouldn’t be worried.
Right?
Maggie and I go into her room to play princesses and she finds me a tiara out of her toy box and a wand that’s bent in the middle. I don’t complain and grin at her and we play for a long while. In the back of my head, I’m thinking about this weekend and about Derek, but I let myself let loose with Maggie and have fun with her for a little bit.
When I get out into the hallway, Derek has Eli in his arms, taking him to the bedroom.
“Gonna let him nap for a while?” I ask.
Derek nods tersely. “He seems tired from the trip. They must have played pretty hard this weekend.”
I smile. ”So did we,” I whisper, but Derek doesn’t crack a smile, just walking into Eli’s room.
I wait there in the hallway for him to come out, but he doesn’t, and I sigh and walk down to grab myself a coffee. I’m still wearing his clothes, for god’s sake. I should change, but I can’t bring myself to, not yet. They smell like him.
Some part of me knows that this weekend might have been a one-time thing but the rest of me? It’s filled with so much hope that I can barely stand it.
Derek stays upstairs for a long time, and Maggie’s playing by herself in her bedroom and Eli’s sleeping and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I just sit down at the table, waiting for Derek, and I feel stupid but it’s all I can do.
Derek finally comes back downstairs and he sits across from me at the table. “Kenna,” he says, and he won’t look at me.
Don’t,I want to say.Derek, don’t.
But I know if I speak I’m going to cry so I just look down at the table.
“I can’t do this,” he says, his tone low so the kids won’t hear.
I just nod, tears brimming in my eyes.
“If you want to take the day off...” he says, trailing off, and I get up suddenly, sliding on a pair of my flip-flops that I’ve left near the door and grabbing my purse.
I stop at the door, looking back at him. His shoulders are slumped and I will him to look at me, just once, even though tears are streaming down my face, but he doesn’t.
I take in a shaky breath and all but run to my car in the garage, unable to fight my tears.
I sit in the car for what seems like forever before I crank it up and back out of there. I sniffle and make it another two miles before I have to pull over, sobbing as if my heart is shredded into a thousand pieces.
Is this a broken heart? Is this what it feels like? Because if so, I don’t think I want to be in love.
I call the only person I can think of: Cherie.
“Hey, girl,” she answers brightly.
“Cherie,” I croak.
“Oh no, Kenna, what happened?” she asks, but I just sob into the phone.
“Come over,” she insists. “Right now.”
