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I’ve called in for the whole week at work, and I’ve gotten texts from both Grayson and Loxton asking how Eli is, so I answer them while I’m waiting at the drive-thru.
I return to the hospital with Maggie in tow and burgers in my hand, and when I arrive, Kenna isn’t in the waiting room. I frown and check with the nurse.
“Could you go and get my....nanny,” I say finally, not sure what to call her, ”from the back?”
“Eli Ledderman?” she asks, and I nod.
The nurse disappears and finally, Kenna comes out of Eli’s room, bracing her hand on the wall next to her.
“Come and sit down,” I order, putting the burger in her hands, and Kenna smiles weakly.
“Thanks. I think I’ve just been awake too long,” she says, and I frown at her.
“You should go home and get some rest,” I suggest, and expect her to shake her head, but she doesn't, just looking down at her burger. “Kenna?”
She blinks, looking up at me. ”Maybe I should,” she mumbles.
“You’re too tired to drive,” I tell her. “I’ll call you a car.”
She looks almost green looking at the burger, but I make her eat at least a few fries, and soon enough, there’s color back in her cheeks.
I call the car and steady her as she stands unsteadily.
“Kenna, are you all right?” I ask, and her smile this time is a little stronger.
“You need to sleep, Kenna,” Maggie says, ushering her outside to the car as I smile at my independent daughter.
“I will, promise,” Kenna says, waving at us as she gets into the backseat of the car.
I know after a good nap, she’ll feel a lot better.
My mother shows up and takes a turn with Maggie so that I can go back to see Eli.
“Where’s Mama?” he asks, and I wince, knowing that I’ll have to have a conversation with him when he’s better.
“Kenna’s taking a nap,” I say, sitting on the chair near the bed. They have a bubble around his bed now that they have the meningitis diagnosis. He needs to be quarantined and it sucks that I can’t be closer to him. “Maggie drew you some train pictures.” I show him her coloring book through the sheer plastic.
“Oh, wow,” he says, seeming a little disappointed that Kenna isn’t there but interested in his sister’s drawings.
I watch him for a bit, as he drifts off, wondering what the hell I’m going to do about how attached he and Maggie are to Kenna. The best thing to do in this situation would be to part ways, so that I’m not tempted to talk to her, to kiss her, to be with her.
If I can’t give her my heart, and I know I can’t because I don’t have one to give anymore, or I would, I have to stop playing with her emotions. I need to let her go, as hard as that is for me. I don’t want to think about Kenna not being here for me and the kids. I especially don’t want to think about her meeting someone else, having her second sexual partner.
It makes my skin crawl.
But I have to make a choice. And giving her my heart is not really a choice, so I have to push her away...for good.
I just don’t know how I’ll break it to my kids.
28
KENNA
Ifeel awful, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re pregnant and you stay up for the better part of two days without much food. I know I have to take better care of myself now that I’m carrying Derek’s baby, but I just couldn’t leave Eli until he felt a little better.
Luckily, I have the whole house to myself and I can just relax. I make it back home and fall down on the couch immediately. I fall asleep within minutes, unable to keep my eyes open, but I don’t sleep for very long.
I wake up with a splitting headache and my neck is a bit stiff from the bad position I was sleeping in. I stumble to the kitchen to get some water. It helps a bit, and I decide to get to my room. There seems to be a lot of stairs and it takes me a lot longer than usual to get there, my head killing me with each step. I should probably call my doctor, but for now, I just need to get some rest.
