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I can wait until she leaves the hospital, until she’s better so she can focus on recovering, but I can’t let her go without letting her know the impact she’s made in our lives.Mylife.
Thinking about her gone guts me. The thought of her with some kid her own age makes my body fill with anger. But I want her to be happy, so I’ll do whatever she needs me to do. Even if that means letting her go forever.
And unless I tell her how I feel, that’s what’s going to happen, when she goes back to college. Even if I tell her, I have no guarantee she won’t leave us, but I’m willing to take that chance now.
As soon as she is back home, I’ll tell her, and we can go from there. For now, she just needs to get better.
Kenna writes me a list of things she needs from home and I take it from her.
“Get some rest,” I say quietly, and she nods in that stiff way she has now.
I sigh heavily as I walk out of the room and into the lobby, running my hand through my hair.
Kenna’s going back to college. She’s leaving us, and I’ll miss her. I’ll miss her so terribly I don’t know how I’ll deal with it.
After I rejected her so harshly, I need to tell her the truth. I need her to know how I really feel. I just can’t tell her that here.
When I get back home, my mother looks frazzled.
“How is she doing?” she asks immediately.
“She’s okay,” I say, hugging her. “How was Eli?”
“Eli was fine,” she says flatly. “It’s Maggie who was a little gremlin.”
I laugh, unable to help it. “She’s acting out because Eli is getting all the attention?”
“She keeps saying Kenna does this and that differently,” my mother huffs. “She loves that nanny of yours.”
She’s not the only one, I think but don’t say.
“She’ll be back for a bit before she goes back to school.”
My mother stares at me for a moment. “Don’t you think you need to talk to the kids about how she won’t be around all the time? They’re getting really attached.”
I swallow hard. I haven’t thought about that, but she’s right. If she still chooses to leave, even if it’s not forever, the kids should have a heads up. And if she chooses to go forever… I can’t even think about the possibility right now.
“I’ll talk to them,” I assure her.
I have no idea what I’ll say, and so I don’t do it that night. My mother leaves and I bathe the kids and get them in bed, and they go to sleep fairly easily.
Even Maggie seems tired after driving her grandmother crazy all day, and they both ask me about Kenna, although Eli’s still calling her Mama.
“She’s going to be okay,” I tell Maggie, and she frowns a little.
“But she’s still in the hospital.”
“Yes, she’s getting better there. Just like Eli.”
“She’s been in the hospitalforever,” she complains.
I chuckle. “It’s only been a couple of days.”
“But she has to stay longer and can’t come home,” she argues sleepily, burrowing under the covers.
I kiss her cheek. “She’ll be out before you know it,” I say, not mentioning that she’ll only be around half the time.
I don’t know how to talk to the kids about Kenna leaving, because I don’t know how to deal with it myself.
