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32
KENNA
Ihave no idea how to tell Derek that I’ll be going back to school sooner rather than later. In fact, I’m thinking about moving back as soon as I get out of the hospital. The thought of being around him all day every day and him just going back to his old self, ignoring me, and dismissing me because of my age hurts too much. And this “sweetheart” thing? What the hell was that? Is he treating me like a child?
And speaking of child. I need to tell him, sooner rather than later. I’ll be showing soon. But maybe I’ll wait until after I move out so that there is less stress for the baby and me. I already know he doesn’t want me because of my age, so if I’m living there when I tell him, he’ll find some excuse to get me to stay or he’ll think he has to do ‘the right thing’. I don’t want him to think he needs to be with me just because we’re having a baby.
The point is Ihaveto leave. Leave him. Leave the kids. I can’t imagine leaving Eli and Maggie without breaking down, so I try not to think about it.
Derek comes to visit every day, bringing me new books, flowers, and stuffed animals. I don’t know why he’s doing all this. Why he is always here. He wasn’t even looking at me when Eli got sick. Does he feel guilty thinking this is his fault because I caught Eli’s meningitis?
Even my parents think he’s going overboard, and tease me about how I must be a phenomenal nanny, and I just smile weakly.
Derek returns today with a box with all my things I’ve written down for him to get, and I thank him profusely.
“It’s no problem,” he insists, rubbing the back of his neck. “There’s also a couple of presents in there from Eli and Maggie.”
I’m no longer contagious, so the bubble is gone, but the doctor asked me to stay in the hospital a couple days more to see if all is well with the baby. I look through the box and there’s drawings from Eli and a couple of notes from Maggie. Maggie writes about how she’s been playing unicorns with her grandmother but it’s not the same. She says she wants me to come home soon.
I can’t help breaking into tears, and Derek takes a few hesitant steps toward me.
“Kenna?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ll just miss them so much,” I sob.
“What do you mean? You’ll get to see them soon enough,” he says, trying to comfort me.
I shake my head. “I won’t see them for long,” I mutter. “I need to get moved back as soon as possible.”
Derek’s face goes pale. “Kenna, how far away is your college?”
“It’s in Washington,” I say softly, and Derek sets his jaw.
“You’re going back to collegehoursaway?”
I stare at him. Doesn’t he understand that if he can’t love me, I can’t be anywhere close by? But I can’t tell him that. “It’s my career, Derek.”
“You’re already doing your career,” he argues. “This is what you wanted, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, fighting tears. “This is what I wanted.”
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, noticing the tears in my eyes. “I didn’t mean to—”
“You didn’t mean to what?” I can’t help the tears streaming down my face.
Derek doesn’t answer, and I realize that I’m too emotional. There’s just too much going on in my head right now.
I sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he mumbles. “I fucked everything up, didn’t I? And now you’re leaving.”
“Not right away,” I say gently. “I’m going to talk to the kids first.”
He nods slowly, still looking pale. “I’ll talk to them, too.”
“Do you think they’ll be upset?”
He gives me a wry smile. “I think they’ll be devastated.”
