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“She needs her mother.” I walk over to the glider, which looks unused.
“Fiona has never been a mother to Aisling,” he starts as I sit.“I think she has held her a handful of times since she was born.” He admits. I look at Aisling.
“But she is perfect. What mother wouldn’t want to be with her baby?” It breaks my heart that Fiona could be so cruel and leave Aisling behind. For Aisling to ever feel like her mother does not love her or care about her.
“Fiona.” I close my eyes, overwhelmed by what I am walking into.
We are quiet for a while. I feel him looking at Aisling and me. There are moments where our eyes meet. But I can’t get caught in his web. I need to focus on Niko. It's the only reason I am here. When I am sure Aisling is finally asleep, I stand and walk to her bassinet. I lay her down. She is perfect. How could a mother leave her baby behind? But then I think of my own mother. She left me behind without any regard for me. I can’t help the tears. The pain is unbearable and overwhelming.
“What is it?” Viktor stands beside me. I take the baby monitor and leave the bedroom.“Ava, talk to me. What is wrong?”
“I can’t believe Fiona left without Aisling. I know what it feels like to be abandoned by the one person who is supposed to protect you. To love you.” He pulls me into his arms and holds me. His sandalwood scent instantly soothes me. For a moment, I find myself consumed by him, forgetting everything that has happened up until now. It reminds me how much I’ve missed him.
“Mr. Manarch,” Mary greets. Instantly the spell is broken.“Ms. O’Brien, how nice to see you.” I pull away from Viktor.
“Yes, it is nice to see you too, Mary.” I take steps away from Viktor. I can see he isn't happy.
“Did you need something?” Viktor is cold towards Mary.
“I just want to let you both know I’ve made something light to eat since it’s a few hours before dinner.” She looks at me.
“That is very thoughtful of you, Mary. But I would like to take a shower before Niko wakes for his next feeding.”
“Of course.” I start walking to my old bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Viktor stops me.
“The guest room. I imagined it would be my bedroom.”
“Your things are in our bedroom.”
“You must be out of your goddamned mind if you think I am going to sleep on your bed after Fiona.”
“Fiona has never slept in our bed.” He emphasizes like I’m supposed to believe him. Like it’s going to make a difference. We are too far gone. We stare for a long time in silence.
“I don’t trust you. What makes you think I’ll believe anything you say? I agree to stay in the mansion only if you know where we stand. We aren’t together. We will co-parent but nothing else.” He closes the gap in two steps.
“You are mine.”
His lips are close to mine. My breath catches. He is about to kiss me when Niko’s wail breaks through the haze. I’m grateful for Niko’s wailing. I know I’m unable to resist what Viktor and I have. Another second together, and I might have caved.
“I have to go.” I turn and leave before he has a chance to say something or, worse, kiss me.
?
I’m exhausted beyond reason. I can barely keep my eyes open between feeding Niko every two hours and being overwhelmed by memories of Viktor and me. Since Niko is sleeping, I take the opportunity to shower. Now I’m drying my hair. Aisling’s cry stops me. I don’t move since it’s not my place, but she doesn’t stop, and my heart is aching. I leave my bedroom and go to hers. I try to convince myself that the last thing I need is for her to wake Niko. I open the door and see the nanny. She is flustered again. She jumps when she notices me.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I say, walking into the bedroom.
“It’s ok, Ms. O’Brien. She has always been a fussy baby. At least that is what I have come to know since I started a month ago. But lately, it seems to have gotten worse.” I don’t know much about motherhood, yet I feel like she needs a mother’s touch. I take Aisling from her and walk to the glider.
“You can go and have dinner. I’ll stay with her,” I tell her.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you.” The nanny gives me a small smile. I can tell she is grateful by what I said.
“It’s fine.” I sit and start rocking as the nanny leaves.“Aisling, what do you need, sweetheart?”
She opens her eyes wide like she understands me. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed, and I do something unexpected. I start breastfeeding her. The door opens, and Viktor walks in. I find myself feeling a sense of panic. I’m doing something I probably shouldn’t. But I can’t explain it. I have to. I’m not sure how Viktor will react.
