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“No. No, it’s not, but I can’t…I can’t stay away.”
Holden’s eyes flash, and he removes his hand from me, leans down, and pulls me into his mouth. My hand drops to the back of his head as he blows me, and I know I won’t last. I can’t. I’m just along for his ride. The ride of my fucking life.
His tongue is wicked and doing things to me that almost make me hallucinate in pleasure. When I come, I do it with a low and painful groan, emptying into his mouth.
He drinks it down enthusiastically and then sits up, swiping at his swollen lips.
“There.”
I’m panting, my chest heaving like I just ran a mile, and he smiles at me.
“That’s not why I came here,” I feel the need to repeat.
“It is. It’s okay to admit it. And listen, it’s not a big deal. I actually have someone meeting me here in a bit. You can stay if you want, or you can go.”
My heart sinks at that because what the hell does that mean? Who is he meeting? And is he…dismissing me?
“Who are you meeting?” I ask, and he shrugs, like this doesn’t really matter, but it does. It matters to me.
I suddenly feel so damn exposed. I just bared my truths to him, and he’s gonna meet someone else?
“A casual fuck.”
My chest constricts painfully. “Oh… Well, I better go then.”
I slide off the rock and stand in the water, my eyes glancing up at Holden, hoping he stops me or explains further, but he doesn’t utter a word. He just leans back on his hands and closes his eyes, his dick hard and straining up against his stomach. He’s hard from blowing me and now he’s gonna fuck someone else.
What the hell is that? And why in God’s name did I let this happen? How can he go from sucking my dick to wanting to fuck someone else? I am so far out of my element, I’m in outer space. Is this how guys do it with other guys?
Fuck, I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into with this.
I turn my gaze back toward the shore, and with a resolve I don’t really feel, I move to where I set my clothes, only to discover that I’m missing my pants and boxers. There is also a banana in my shoe.
Glancing around, I search desperately for the damn monkey because I know he’s the culprit. But I see nothing.
So I’m left to stick my legs through the arm holes of my shirt and hold the fabric around my waist. I grab the flip-flops from my bag and slip them on before making my way back down the dirt path, carrying my shoes and trying like fuck to not look back at Holden.
Willing myself to not stay and see who he’s meeting.
It’s not my business.
None of this is.
I need to stay in my lane.
CHAPTERNINE
Holden
That man drives me crazy. Why the fuck did I tell him about my family? Why did I feel the need to expose myself that way? No one on the island knows why I’m here or why I’ll never leave, and he just looked at me with those eyes and it came spilling out.
I watch him walk away, his shirt around his waist, looking absolutely ridiculous, and I feel my heart flutter in my chest. And no, it’s not my heart condition. Although, that could be it as well.
He makes me feel things. I wouldn’t be surprised if my heart got in on the action. I press my fingers to the side of my neck and feel my heart rate pumping unsteadily, and then I lean back once more, trying not to look at Chase walking away from me. I try and concentrate on anything else—the sound of the waterfall behind me, the faint chirping of birds in the distance—and when that doesn’t work, I force myself to cough, hoping it helps to reset my heartbeat.
It works, and I feel my body instantly start to relax. I have something called SVT—supraventricular tachycardia. It basically means that my heart beats faster than normal, usually associated with stress or anxiety. I found myself in the ER when I lived at home as a teenager and they told me what was up. Not that I was surprised by the diagnosis. My life growing up was fraught with all of the above.
It was in that hospital room that I realized that if I didn’t get the fuck out of that toxic environment, I’d end up on meds for this. And so here I am. Far, far away from my family, from the expectations and pressure and just general unease I dealt with every time I was home. I am never going back to the U.S. I’m going to stay here until I die. At peace and happy.
