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I glance at the path where Chase disappeared and feel an uncomfortable pang in my chest. I tell myself that him leaving was for the best. I feel some kind of weird pull toward him that I don’t understand. At first, I thought it was the fact that he’s so big and so damn hot, but I’ve had him a few times already, and I should be bored by now. But I’m not. My eyes are still drawn to him whenever we are in the same space. It’s the innocent way he looks at me.
I don’t know what to do with that. It’s making me feel things I shouldn’t.
Damn, I should have brought some weed with me so I could have a smoke. I need it right now. Need to calm the fuck down.
Part of me wants to go after Chase, to tuck my hand in his and bring him back to my apartment. But Iammeeting someone here in a bit. It was supposed to be a quick fuck, something to help me get over these feelings Chase is eliciting in me. I haven’t been with anyone since meeting him, but now, I’m fucking scared of what this might mean. But with the taste of Chase on my tongue, I’m reevaluating whether or not I want to actually go through with it.
Monogamy isn’t really my thing, but I feel…guilty?
Maybe I shouldn’t fuck around this afternoon. My dick was hard when Chase was here, but now it’s deflated and sitting limply between my legs. It doesn’t seem enthused at the prospect of being with someone else.
Slapping at my face, I try and refocus, but I just keep seeing the sad way Chase looked at me earlier. Hell.
Just fuck this.
I hop into the water and wade to the shore. When Cade shows up, and he finds that I’m not here, he’ll take a hint. I’m just not in the mood for casual today. He’ll understand. This was always kind of a long-standing arrangement between us anyways. Neither of us has any expectations.
I’m just gonna take a short walk around the island and then head back home before work. If I run into Chase while I’m doing it, then so be it. Maybe he’ll come to the bar tonight, and I can flirt with him, get back on solid ground. Show him how it needs to be—light and fun.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do.
No more sharing parts of myself. My heart can’t handle it.
* * *
Work isthe same as it always is, slinging drinks and selling lube. Weed lube is my specialty. Makes for one hell of an orgasm and everyone here knows it. All these rich fucks, paying out the nose for it.
Sometimes I feel like a king out here. I never planned to sell this shit, but it kind of fell into my lap, and now I’ve become some kind of smuggler. Not that weed lube is illegal, but still. People act like it’s some kind of secret. They like thinking they’re doing something wrong. When in actuality, they’re doing far worse by…oh, I don’t know…not paying taxes and ripping off their employees.
You always were a bad egg. You’re nothing but a useless, mindless criminal.
The words from my mother ping around my head, and I shake them away as I hand a small bottle of lube to a regular client, arching an eyebrow at him. He goes through quite a lot. I don’t know how often he’s fucking, but I need to figure out how his dick is still attached to him. Or maybe he’s just using his hand.
I will probably never know. And to be honest, I don’t really care.
I don’t seem to care about much. It’s why I always clashed with my family. All they seemed to care about was money, how people perceived them, and their rich friends and wealthy lovers. I’ve never been like that. I don’t care what people think about me, I never have.
You’re an embarrassment, Holden. I wish you’d never been born.
Fuck, I don’t know why she’s making an appearance in my mind today. Chase seems to have managed to conjure up long-buried feelings. Probably because of the way he looked at me earlier and asked me about myself. Just one doe-eyed look and all my old feelings came bubbling up to the surface.
I hate feeling things. It makes me weak, makes me vulnerable. I learned at an early age to tuck those silly little things away and pretend they don’t exist. It was an armor of sorts. But now Chase is piercing his way through them. Just knocking me sideways and making me fucking melt. I don’t even know how to protect myself from him. Don’t know if I really want to.
Moving back toward the alcohol bottles, I grab one, taking an order from an older woman as I do. Quickly, I work to make her a cosmopolitan, and when I slide it across the bar top to her, my eyes snag on him.
Can’t fucking miss him. He’s huge. And he looks so fucking hot walking around, those thick thighs bunching under the fabric of his jeans, those big arms bulging. He’s just big all over. I want to pull a Bob and climb him like a tree.
Before I can wipe up the drool pooling on my chin, Polly skips up to him and links her arm with his.
Something roils in my stomach.
I’m pretty sure this guy is bi, or at least bi-curious, and I’m most likely just a convenient experiment, but the thought of him with someone else makes me unreasonably upset.
Especially if that someone is a woman. Visions of him with another man move through my head, and I wince.
Yeah, that’s actually not much better.
“Hey, Holden, can I get Long Island?” a regular asks me, and I nod my head, my eyes still on Chase.
