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CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
One Month Later
Holden
Idon’t know why I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship before, not that Chase and I have discussed what we are yet, but I think he’s serious about me. I can see it in the way he looks at me, how he touches me almost reverently.
He is as into me as I am into him.
This last month passed without incident and instead of growing bored of him, which I had feared I would, I only grow more needy. When we are apart, I feel the absence of him. It’s new and cruel, and I can’t fucking stand it.
The only way to alleviate the anxiety is to find him whenever I can and wrap my arms around him. To let him hold me.
“I have to go home soon,” Chase blurts abruptly, and those words nearly tear my heart right out of my chest.
“For how long?” I ask, staring at him, my brows bunched, my entire body clenching with nerves. He’s waiting for me after work to walk me home, and suddenly the darkness all around me is suffocating. I can’t fucking breathe.
I knew this would happen. I fucking knew he’d leave me, and I went ahead and let myself be vulnerable anyways.
“For like a week.”
“Will you be back?” I breathe. “You’ll come back, right?” I hate how desperate I sound, but I can’t quite seem to hide it.
Chase nods and then slips his hand into mine, pulling me closer. “I don’t plan on staying there forever. My sister has a cheer competition, and I can’t miss it.”
“It’s so far though,” I say, feeling the tingling start in my hands and work its way up my arms.
I breathe deeply through my nose, hoping I don’t have a panic attack out here in the jungle. Over something so silly. It’s not like he’s leaving forever. But he is going to the States, and I can’t go with him. I can’t fucking do it. I hate it there. So many memories. So much fuckingpain.
“You could come with me,” he says softly.
“I can’t,” I whisper and feel my eyes sting. “I can’t go back there.”
He nods and then pulls me into his side. “I get it. I do. But I’ll be back in no time. You probably won’t even miss me.”
He doesn’t even fucking know. He has no goddamn idea.
And when I watch that small plane fly away three days later, I feel like I’m sinking, my lungs can’t breathe. I clasp my hand against my chest and hold it there, trying to get my heart rate to go down. At least Bob had tried to stop him from going. He’d managed to get in through the cracked window and sat in his duffle bag with a banana and refused to budge, almost like he knew something I didn’t. And when Chase had tried to move him, he chucked that banana with force, nearly taking an eye out.
Maybe if he’d aimed better Chase would be here right now. With me.
“Should probably go with him,” Devon says, moving up behind me, that gruff voice making me cringe. “You’re gonna miss him.”
Fuck.
I crouch down and cough, falling into the sand and gasping for breath. My entire body is tingling—my face, my fingers, my fucking legs. I can’t move.
“Next plane goes out in a few hours. Can probably still book a flight in time.”
“I can’t…” I whisper as I stare at the sky, wishing he’d come back.
It’s only been minutes and I feel like I’m dying.
“Yeah, you can. You just don’t wanna. Now get up, Holden. Be a man and do something hard for once in your life.”
I glance up at Devon and let out a shaky breath.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through. You have no fucking idea.”
