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“You’re right, I don’t. No one does because you don’t let anyone in. And the guy who finally cracked your shell just flew away. So, either deal with his absence this week or go to him. Be with him.”
I begin to say I can’t, when I realize thatI can.I don’t want to spend this week without him. What was I thinking, letting him fly off without me?
“What if he doesn’t want me to come? What if I show up and he’s…he’s embarrassed of me.”
Devon rolls his eyes. “Fuck off with that. He’s so in love with you it’s gross.”
Those words make my entire body flame as I scramble up to my feet, swaying on them, feeling lightheaded.
“Work…” I murmur. It’s an afterthought but an important one nonetheless.
“They’ll figure something out. Now go pack some shit and book your flight. I’ll make sure the next plane doesn’t leave without you. And don’t make me have to find you and carry your ass here.”
I don’t hesitate, just move toward the apartment complex, my gaze laser focused. I will not think about the promise I made to myself all those years ago. It’s moot now. Chase is more important. I can do this because being here without him…I won’t survive it. I’ve come to need him. I don’t want to wait a week for him to return.
I want to be with him always.
* * *
“Are you fucking with me?”I mutter to myself as I stare up at the large TV screen in the airport, realizing that somehow, some way, I managed to beat Chase to South Dakota. I swear I have the worst of luck.
Halfway through the second flight, I panicked and had to breathe into the barf bag, while the person sitting next to me side-eyed me, probably wondering if I was going to expel whatever I’d eaten. That wasn’t the issue though. The issue was possibly passing out.
With the bag around my mouth, the paper puffing in and out, I apologized profusely to my neighbor while hyperventilating. And when my vision began to blur, I closed my eyes and conjured up visions of Chase. Of his smile, his touch. Everything about him seems to calm me. I was going to do this for him.
And now I’m early. His flight was delayed in Dallas. I’m exhausted and wrung out. I feel like I’ve lived ten lifetimes in the past day. And he’s not here.
“Fuck me. If this isn’t my luck.”
I end up skulking over to a row of seats and plopping down on one, right in Sioux Falls Regional Airport, and wait for him to arrive. Fuck, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t come back to the States, and here I am right smack dab in the middle of the goddamn country.
“You okay?” an older woman asks as I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to take deep steady breaths. I probably look haggard, half-drunk, and filthy. Like I just rolled over here in a tumbleweed.
“No.”
It’s honest and true, and I can’t help it. I can’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not. It won’t be fine until Chase wraps his arms around me. When I can inhale him and find my center again. I don’t know how he became soessential to my life.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, and I turn my head and take in this complete stranger, her graying hair littered with hints of brown, her glasses sliding down her nose. She looks concerned for me and yet she doesn’t even know me.
“You know, my own mother cares less than you, a total stranger.”
I sound insane, totally gone, but she just bobs her head, like she totally understands. What would it have been like to have had a mother like this, a grandmother? Someone in my life that cared? I’d probably be a better man, a whole one. Not this empty shell limping along like I am right now. Stranded in a South Dakota airport, hoping like hell mywhatever-you’d-call-himis happy I’m here.
“Well, just let it all out. I have hours before my next flight.”
I debate it momentarily, thinking there is no way this woman wants to hear my tales of woe, but I end up blurting out most of it anyways. Not like I have anything else to do but sit here and blather on, my streams of word-vomit barely making any sense. How she can understand me only makes me wonder if she has some kind of superpower.
“The monkey, Bob, tried to stop him from leaving, but Chase did anyways. He cares that much about his sister, about his family. I didn’t understand it because I’d never loved someone like that. And so I had to come. I just had to. I had to show him what this meant….”
“And where is he now?”
“Late. His flight got delayed. I have hours left waiting for him.”
“Hm, yes, airports don’t quite have their shit together, do they? Well, nothing to do about it now but wait. Want to grab some dinner?” she asks, and I bob my head because why the fuck not? I have someone to listen to me and for once in my goddamn life I want to process it all.
And I do. Poor Gina listens to me like she’s my therapist, her head bobbing continuously. I don’t even let her get a word in edgewise. I just blather on and on about my childhood, my mother, my family, and Chase. About how I vowed never to come here again and yet, here I am. I talk and talk until I’m out of breath. My food grows cold and untouched.
And Gina is just silent. And fuck, if getting that all off my chest didn’t take a weight off my shoulders.
