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“What does it mean for us?” His words came out strangled by an emotion I couldn’t identify. Ache? Relief? Panic?
I turned to face him, but he used the opportunity to roll onto his back, his arm over his face.
“Is there still an us?” I put my hand on his chest, desperate to stay connected, to delay or avoid the inevitable.
“There wouldn’t be if you leave.”
The slight tremor under my palm brought tears to my heart.
“Or perhaps we could find us if we stay apart for a while.”
“I was just apart from you for two weeks and I’m certain it’s not what I want.”
And once more we found ourselves at an impasse, both trying to reach the same destination, but unable to walk together.
Gutted, I considered if staying might be the better option, but then Massi spoke, and all my hope was sucked into the vortex of eternal regret.
“That pregnancy, that miscarriage, broke us.”
ChapterFifteen
Massi
Are you happy?I’m not sure why I asked her because I don’t want to hear that she’s happy.
Of course, I want her to be happy, but at the same time, the idea of her happiness would eat at my ego, reminding me what I’ve lost.
I haven’t been happy since I pushed her out of my life. Over the years I’ve found the way to be content, but happiness sailed away from me with Blue.
We’re walking toward the Chelsea Market. The evening is warm and the street is alive with people. I don’t remember the last time I strolled casually through the city, but I’m not in a hurry. In fact, I wouldn’t mind slowing down even more. To explore the feelings stirred up by our tango.
I’m still dazed from our dance. While on the floor I was fully entranced by the music, the moves and the connection between us. I was sure she felt it, too. Now, I’m wondering if I was just imagining it, swayed by the passion of our dancing. Perhaps I misinterpreted the whole thing.
“That’s a loaded question.” Blue stares down, as if she were walking on an uneven surface, carefully choosing her steps.
“Is it?” Why I’m pushing this I’m not sure.
“My father just passed away…”
Shit. I’m an idiot. I forgot she came for the funeral.
Someone bumps into her from behind and she stumbles. I catch her arm to help her balance. The touch reverberates through my body and I fight an overwhelming need to pull her closer and hold her.
Our eyes meet and I don’t know why, or how, after all the years, all the pain, all the heartbreak, but I see the girl I fell in love with and my heart jumps around my chest like a fucking pinball.
“I’m sorry about your dad.” I won’t tell her I’m also glad the unfortunate event brought her back.For the time being, I remind myself. And even on this coast, she’s out of the reach.
“Me too. He hadn’t spoken to me since…” She looks away. “Since I left.”
That shocks me. It’s been seventeen years. “Really? I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t change that anymore. There is a pile of debt left that I need to address and I have to find a place for my mom to live, which seems to be an issue. And I miss…” She pauses as if weighing her words. “Home” is what she settles on.
A deep sense of regret grips my insides.
Who am I kidding? I missed my chance with this woman a long time ago. Her happiness is far away from here. With someone else.
“And to pass the time I took a job here and the client is a real pain in the ass.” She looks at me sideways, the corner of her mouth quivering as she tries not to laugh.
