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Fuck. I was causing her so much anxiety. She whipped around and scooped up all our clothes before throwing them in my direction. Lying between her bed and the window, I held her underwear to my nose and smiled. I was a lucky bastard.
“Mom, I was just changing,” she said as the door swung open.
“Whatever for? There is enough laundry for an army to sort out. Come downstairs to help me with dinner. I’ve been calling you for half an hour. We should have never gotten you those headphones. Who goes around listening to music?” The last words were muted by the door closing and Blue’s mom shuffling back downstairs.
Blue plopped on the bed, on her stomach, and glared at me, her face a mixture of fear and relief. I couldn’t help myself with this girl. I moved off the floor and claimed her mouth again. This time she pushed me away, half-heartedly, but still. Her mother had tainted the mood.
“Stop it, Massi. Now!” She swatted at me. “You need to leave. If my parents ever find out, my mom will send me to live with my aunt in Italy.”
“Blue, it’s not the fifties anymore.” I hauled myself up to sit on the bed and pulled her to my lap.
The silky skin of her thighs caused a reaction in my briefs, but I tried to ignore it and stayed focused on calming her down. I cupped her neck and pulled her closer. As my forehead connected with hers, I was sure that my only mission in life was to make those deep blue eyes shine.
“It might not be the fifties anymore, but my mother’s morals are stuck there. Massi, you can’t be coming here anymore. She would send me away or force you to marry me to save my virtue.” She shook her head slightly and rolled her eyes.
“Now that’s an idea,” I said and she jerked away. Two things happened at the same time. Blue tried to stifle her laugh, and my heart jumped in realization that I wasn’t joking. Well, I was when I had said it, but the idea sounded too right. Too real. Too good.
She must have read my train of thought because the amusement left her face. It disappeared slowly, and I could already feel the pain of rejection creeping in as her features rearranged into shock. Suddenly, she was lighter in my arms, as if part of her was already gone, suspended between my embrace and the need to flee.
“Massi,” she breathed and the lightness of her voice gave me a ridiculous jolt of encouragement.
“I mean it, Blue. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
* * *
“So you want to break up?” I paced around the small playground.
It was the middle of the night and Blue had sneaked out to meet me here. Somehow, the place that was normally full of children’s laughter appeared sinister now, its slumber interrupted by the eerie creaks of the swings.
She threw her arms up. “Why are you being so dramatic? All I’m saying is we’re so young—”
“Why does it matter? I want to be with you. Forever.” I stopped and stared at her.
She stood near the sandpit, only a touch away, yet so far. Her face was obscured in the shadows of the night. Goddammit. Ever since the idea of marriage crossed my mind, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“You don’t know what forever means.” She stepped closer, a thick line of stress marring her forehead.
We glared at each other, our chests heaving. The need to kiss the words away was too powerful. I clenched my fists.
“I know whatyoumean to me, but clearly you’re just waiting for the next guy to woo you.” I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore. How could I feel so much rage and love at the same time? I wanted to shake her and make love to her in equal measure.
“You’re such an asshole.” Blue’s voice quivered slightly and she turned away from me.
“Clearly.” I rolled my eyes.Why am I such an asshole?
She whirled around and the fury in her face made me step back. The raging war in her stance, in her expression, was what I deserved, but I didn’t care for it.
“What is that supposed to mean? You’re being so unreasonable.” Her voice carried across the playground and probably the entire neighborhood. Her breath came out in short, shallow bursts and her nostrils flared. God, she was beautiful.
Perhaps I was being a stubborn prick. Or perhaps I’d recognized we had something special and she just needed to catch up. But her fighting it made me desperate. Unable to judge right from wrong. Or reason.
“I love you, Massi.” Her words were soft now and the vise around my heart tightened. “But we’re nineteen. What’s the rush? Besides, I don’t think our parents would ever allow that.”
I reached for her hand and she didn’t recoil. Thank God. “They would come around. It’s you who is against it. Is our age the only reason?” I struggled to keep my tone level and failed miserably. Frustration and need laced my every thought, and as a result my words.
“What’s the fucking rush?” Her breath hitched. She bit her lower lip and a single tear escaped.
In that moment, I knew that if I lost her I’d regret it for the rest of my life. And I’d lose her if I continued pushing. Yet, I unloaded the truth—as desperate as I felt.
