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“I don’t blame you. Not anymore.” My words hold a conviction and an atonement.
“But you blame yourself.” She looks at me now, her eyes directed to spot the truth.
I nod.
“Don’t. Someone told me recently I need to forgive myself in order to move forward. Can you?”
I swallow, a lump sprouting out of nowhere in my throat. A loud party of businesspeople stumbles in, cheering and ordering champagne. The city bustles below us. The sun offers a few shy rays that reflect in Blue’s hair.
A snapshot of stillness in our relationship that I would like to remember as the time we buried the past, but I don’t think I can do that yet.
“I will always blame myself, Blue, just like I will always love you.”
She lowers her drink, her jaw slack. She swallows several times. “Why, Massi? Why do you love me?”
I watch her while I’m trying to find the right words. It doesn’t take me long, the feelings are complex, but still easy on my tongue.
“When I'm with you, my world expands. I feel like I can achieve everything, be anyone I want to be. I'm an angry bastard, but you calm me down. You make me feel other things, not just that built-up anger. When you smile, my life is better. I'm a better man because you took a chance on my grumpy ass. When you smiled at me that first day in high school, I knew there was light to all the darkness in my soul.”
She clasps her hands over her mouth, tears rolling down her cheeks, but I’m not done.
“Even during this past month, when I still foolishly believed you were my enemy, my days were already brighter. You bring peace to my life, Blue. I don’t know how or why, but you do. The breathing is easier. I loved you then, and I love you now.”
She stares at me, a war raging in her eyes, and suddenly I fear I might lose her again. That I might be too late. That she loves her second husband. Or she isn’t ready to step into this same river again. Was I too soon? Too vehement?
She stands up and a heavy ball of disappointment sinks to my stomach. But she steps around the table and sits in my lap. I almost drop her, stunned. She takes my cheeks in her hands, her eyes glistening with tears.
“No matter what happens, Massi, remember, always remember that I love you too. I loved you with the heart of the silly girl in high school. I loved you with the insecure heart of your young wife. I loved you all those years we were apart. And I love you now.”
The warmth that spreads in my chest is love and relief wrapped in velvet and decadence.
With her lips she brushes my eyelids, my temple, my cheeks, my jaw, and at last my lips. We kiss, not a desperate kiss of lust and desire, but one of deep commitment and love.
“I will disappoint you, Massi, but I will always love you.” The words bring me joy and fear, but I don’t think she’s ready to explain, and frankly I’m a coward who prefers to keep the moment on the loving note.
I pull her closer, holding her tight, her head resting on my shoulder. The loud cheers and commotion in the corner and the honking of the relentless traffic disperse, practically inaudible in the intimacy of the moment.
“I wanted to take you out to eat and dancing, but let’s go home, baby.” I revel in the scent of her hair.
“I happen to know your cooking is the best in the country and your living room is the largest dance floor, so I guess home is perfect for your plans.”
We walk the few blocks to my building, hand in hand, drunk on the newly rediscovered love.
“I know you didn’t want to talk about the past today, but I’m glad you shared with me. That you told me about your troubles after I left,” Blue says as we wait for the elevator.
“I’m glad to. I wanted to stay away from the past because I feel it’s something big you didn’t want to share last night. I wanted us to spend time together, so you can see how good we could be together. Better than before. Happier. And then you will hopefully trust me enough to share. Do you trust me, Blue?”
She licks her lips, that internal fight brewing again. “I trust you, but I don’t yet trust that you won’t run away.”
I raise my eyebrows. Fuck. What is she hiding? Part of me thinks she must be taking something out of proportion, because we’ve experienced so much shit already I can’t imagine what could shock me or make me give up on her. On us.
“That bad?”
Both our phones ring at the same time. Blue looks a bit disoriented, but then she checks her phone, frowning. She answers and I look at my screen, finding several desperate messages from my mother.
“It’s my mom.” Blue hangs up and dashes toward the front door.
ChapterTwenty
