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The intention is as strong as seventeen years ago, but I plan to be smarter about the execution. Yeah, hands in the pockets, but I still give her a mischievous smile.
“You can’t be serious.” But she smiles, as if considering it. “That was enough indecency for one day.”
“Oh, for one day. Good. As long as you didn’t say lifetime.”
She swats at me, but her eyes sparkle. “I think I need a drink.”
“Let’s get hot dogs and then I’ll find you a good cocktail.”
I spot a vendor and chance a touch, grabbing her hand and dragging her across the lawn.
“I haven’t seen you drink,” Blue says.
And here we go, there is no way we could avoid the past.
“It’s because I don’t drink.” I turn to place the order.
I put mustard and sauerkraut in my bun while Blue tops hers with all the condiments available.
“You’re still doing that? Those flavors don’t go together.”
She laughs. “I’ve been told.”
“Because it’s a criminal act.” We say the last two words together and our eyes meet for a moment before we look away, each taking a bite to cope with the memories.
As much as I wanted this day not to be about the past, it’s impossible. We can try to form fresh memories, but the old ones—good and bad—linger. I might as well tell her everything.
We sit on a bench. Blue is leaning forward because, of course, her over-adorned hot dog is a mess to eat.
Since she’s not looking at me, I find it easier to confess.
“After you left, I wasn’t doing well. I started drinking a lot. Somehow I still opened my first restaurant, but I was sloppy. First, there was a health director warning. I got into a fight with a customer. I drank even more, and then there was a fire.”
All the misfortune is connected to Blue, but as I speak, I realize I don’t blame her. I don’t know when it happened, because I’d charged her with responsibility for all of that for as long as I remember.
“Fire? What happened?” She turns to me, ketchup and relish dripping to the ground.
“I don’t know. It was a shitty week, we had cancellations, and well after everyone left I got really drunk. Luckily my sous-chef at the time forgot something and came back. He saved my life. The insurance company concluded foul play. I don’t know if I burned the place down, but my negligence was undeniable.”
“Massi,” she breathes. I don’t want her pity, but when I look at her, her eyes are full of compassion. “I didn’t know. Is that why you said you would have had an easy start with your mom’s money?”
“Yep. My mom’s investment went up in the flames. Literally.” I wipe my hand and stand to throw away the napkin. When I turn back, tears roll down Blue’s cheeks. Her hand is outstretched, the leftover atrocity dribbling down.
Despite the heaviness of my recollection of past events, I can’t help but chuckle. I take the messy food from her and dump it. I pull her up and take each of her fingers, licking her hand clean, all the while watching her face contorted by emotion. She is breathtaking.
I gather her in my arms and kiss the tears off her cheeks. “Don’t cry, Blue, that hot dog was horrible to begin with.” Her shoulders shake with tears and suppressed laughter.
But then she shudders. “I destroyed us.” She shakes with swallowed sobs.
“Jesus, woman, if we’re to entertain the citizens of New York, I’d rather fuck in the bushes here. Stop the waterworks.” I try to lighten the mood.
She shakes her head and then drops her forehead to my chest. We stand there, a statue of lovers ridden with regret and fragile hope.
“Blue, I destroyed what we had, and then I destroyed the only good thing left in my life. But let’s leave the past in the past. Let’s get you that cocktail now.”
I take her to a popular rooftop bar only a few blocks from my apartment. Against the backdrop of the cosmopolitan buzz that has been my home, Blue enjoys a mojito while I sip a sparkling water with lemon. We have spoken little since the park, slowly digesting the missing pieces of the past.
“I think we need to stop blaming ourselves for what happened. We both played a role and we can’t change it anymore.” She watches the skyline of the city, the breeze playing with her hair.
