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Gina
The drive home is fast but feels much longer, filled with tension and Sebastien’s resentment. Unlike other occasions when he acted up, this time is filled with lost time I can’t give him back. But I don’t have it in me to explain to him why I made choices that impacted him this negatively. God, I wish I could rewind and take it all back.
Frederick keeps spreading pain even when he’s not around. Weariness covers me with a heavy blanket even before we arrive home. It’s when we step out of the car that I realize Sebastien has never met his grandmother.
Fuck. I was going to prepare my mom, but there was no time. And in his current mood, the timing can’t be shittier.My lifecan’t be shittier.
“Sebastien, could we sit on the porch and talk for a minute?”
He looks at me, and even though he doesn’t roll his eyes I know he’s doing it internally. He flops down on the top step, resting his elbows on his knees.
I take a seat beside him. I want to wrap my arm around his shoulder and pull him closer. Hell, I need him to hug me. He’sthe manin my life and I crave his support after the ordeal with Frederick today. I don’t deserve it, I get that, but God I need a break.
“I have several leads for new clients here in New York.” Hopefully starting with the good news will make him happy. Selfishly, I also hope it gets me a better starting point for the conversation I wish we didn’t need to have. One I wish I didn’t have to put him through.
He doesn’t react at first. How long will it take to truly mend our relationship?
But then he faces me, a sparkle of excitement in his eyes. “We’re staying?”
“Well, you got that summer job here, so we should stay until your school starts again.”
He smiles and hugs me. Oh, how I needed this connection. I know I’m the parent, the protector, but having his arms around me makes me feel safe. It’s the calmest moment I’ve had in days and my eyes well up.
Even as I try to maintain my composure, the tension snaps and I start to cry. “I’m so sorry, Seb. I really am sorry.” My words are swallowed by my tears and Sebastien stiffens, probably unsure how he should react in this new dynamic between us.
“Geez, Mom, chillax,” he says finally, and my cry turns into laughter. A sniffly laugh, but it feels good that he’s opened up the door to reconciliation. I never thoughtgeez, Momcould sound so sweet. But in this fucked up situation I’ll take it.
We sit there in silence, my head on his shoulders. I want to explain my actions to him, but it takes me a few long moments to find the words.
“Massi and I were very young when we got married, and we didn’t do a good job of it. When I moved to LA, I found out I was pregnant, but I had reasons to believe Massi didn’t want a family. I wanted to protect you from having a father who didn’t want you.
“I was in a terrible place back then and as much as I hate to admit it, Frederick took advantage. I know that now, but back then it felt like he was saving me. I believed I was setting your father free. He was about to open his first restaurant.”
“But you didn’t give him a chance to reject me.” Sebastien jumps up, and losing his support I almost topple over. He grabs the railing and stares at me. “It wasn’t only your decision. He would have been a great father.”
I almost snap we don’t know that but stop myself. It would be a low blow, and I haven’t sunk that far yet.
“I’m sorry. I thought I did what was best for everyone.”
“You really thought a restaurant was more important to him? And frankly, child support would have been better than life with fucking Fred. I hate you so much right now.”
I bite my lip and drop my head. What else can I do? I can’t tell him about all the horrible things Massi and I said to each other after we lost the baby. I can’t shed that light on his father.
“Remember how that boy in your school got arrested for stealing something and you were surprised because you’d have never thought he was capable of such a thing? And later we learned about his life and how his parents neglected him?” He stares at me with a frown, waiting to see where I’m going with the story. “We talked about it and I was so proud of you in the end, because do you remember what you said?”
He exhales, and his Adam’s apple bobs. “I said that desperate people sometime make bad choices.”
He is still very mad and disappointed, but his features soften. He looks around as if he wants to run away, and I realize he must feel trapped. In this situation, but also literally in this place because he’s never been here and can’t very well go hide.
“Seb, I love you. You can be mad as long as you need, but I can’t turn back time and make different choices. I hope we can find a way to move forward.”
He paces the length of the porch a few times and then he looks up. “I hate that I have no choice in this. I’m not forgiving you. Not yet, anyway.”
A sliver of relief pierces through me. How a small word likeyetcan make such a tremendous difference, stop the bleeding, so the wounds can begin to heal. Or fester, but I’m hoping for the former. Even though I know hope can be harmful by itself.
“Thank you, son.”
