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“Why?” I rasp. It’s my heart asking. My stupid, needy heart would like to hear he wants to give everything up for me.
“What do you mean why? I don’t want to miss any more time with Sebastien.”
I swallow a sob of disappointment. So many sobs I’ve uttered or held back because of this man and he doesn’t care. He transferred his attention to our son completely. It’s not a family he would give his restaurant for. It’s his son. Not me.
“Could you leave, please?” I stand up and grab the plates, marching to the counter and throwing them into the sink.
“Blue—”
“Don’t you dare call me Blue. Just go, please.” I control my voice, too aware of our sleeping child upstairs. A child I’m currently jealous of. The emotion rips my insides apart. I don’t deserve this. I don’t want to feel this way. It’s too much. It’s too hard.
The walls are closing in on me. I should be happy he’s willing to make such a drastic change, and yet I’m furious and disappointed that I’m not part of his consideration.
Oh, the disappointment digs deep. Why can’t he forgive me? Every time I see him it hurts me physically. I’ve yearned for him for years, but doing it from afar was survivable. This is just too painful.
I don’t even realize how, but suddenly I’m pushing out the front door and running away. I can’t stay in the same room with all these pent-up feelings. With the man who cast me aside.
I can’t even blame him because I haven’t forgiven myself. That thought punches me in the stomach and I pick up speed.
“Blue,” Massi calls after me, which only makes me run faster. My bare feet hurt, but that’s a welcome break from all the other aches.
He catches up with me as I reach the grass of a playground at the end of the street.
“Blue, what the fuck is happening? Can we for once talk like reasonable people about everything? I offer to move and you get this upset?”
“But it’s not about me, is it? You want Sebastien. You don’t want me. You can’t forgive me. And I don’t know if I can survive staying close to you. It’s killing me every single day. I can’t change my decisions from almost two decades ago, but I deserve a sliver of happiness and I’ll never find it with you looking at me like I’m the villain in this story. Even though Iamthe villain in this story.”
He grabs my shoulders but I wiggle away, retreating farther into the playground. Déjà vu. This is where we argued until I agreed to marry him. The irony.
“I have so many flaws I can’t even list them anymore. When I left here seventeen years ago, I was devastated. I felt worthless because I couldn’t keep you interested in me enough.”
“Blue—”
“Let me finish.” I move around so a bench is between us. “I felt like a failure. But I still hoped that time and distance would give us a second chance. And then I found out I was pregnant. I was still grieving for you and the baby we lost, the one you never wanted. The one Ithoughtyou never wanted. I heard you were struggling, and the idea of waltzing back and announcing you have to postpone your dreams again shattered me.
“I didn’t want to be the reason for your broken dreams, but I couldn’t afford a child on my own. In my mind, if I kept the child I would forever be connected with you. Frederick came to New York, and when he returned he casually mentioned running into you and that you raved about how good it was that you were free to focus on your business.
“I should have seen through his lies, but I didn’t. I couldn’t do it alone and he seemed like such a simple solution. My relationship with him was doomed from the beginning. In bed, in life, in business. You can’t fake loving someone if your heart is elsewhere. I know now that I was just a trophy in his war against you. Against anyone who he feared being better than him. I was a pawn on his chess board, but I’m not making excuses.
“Back then, I truly believed that by marrying and keeping my pregnancy from you I’d set you free of any obligation. And so I imprisoned myself in a loveless marriage with a man who is vile and vengeful.”
“Blue—”
“I’m not done yet.” I raise my voice, scaring away an approaching mother with a stroller who promptly pivots and walks away.
The words are setting me free and binding me tighter at the same time, but Massi is listening. Finally he’s listening, and I’m not going to stop now.
“Everything I've ever done was to protect someone. With time, I could see I was hurting them. I believed I protected you by not telling you about your child. I thought I was protecting our son by not telling him the truth because I didn't want him to experience his father’s rejection. All the while I was just scared. Hurt and stupid. But I’m done. I don’t want you to move to LA.”
A shadow passes over Massi’s face and he clenches his fists but says nothing. The tension is almost audible.
“I don’t want to be lonely anymore,” I continue. “I put the house here and my condo in LA for sale. I wanted to talk to you and Seb, so we can find a new school—the three of us. Probably in Manhattan.”
“So you aren’t planning to return to LA?” He shakes his head, confused.
“Of course not. I wouldn’t do that to Sebastien. To you. I love you, Massi. I will always love you. And it hurts that you can’t forgive me, but I’ll learn to accept that. I’ve never felt as lonely as I did in the past few weeks. I’ve never cried this much…” I’m sobbing now. Ugly crying with mucus smearing my face. The deposits of the past years escaping with abandon.
Massi cuts the distance between us, jumps over the bench and wraps his arms around me. “Can I speak now?”
