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Elena patted my head. “Joy, this is Saoirse. Saoirse, Joy.”
I waved at Joy, who I assumed was the owner since her name was all over the place, and she waved back.
“Saoirse doesn’t believe in marriage,” Elena said.
Joy nodded at my rings. “Pity for your husband.”
I hid my hand behind my back. Elena cackled. “Right? I told her you can’tnotbelieve in marriage when you’re literally married. Anyway, Saoirse needs a shot. Something sweet and strong, please. And I’ll have another seltzer.”
Joy saluted Elena. “I got you.”
Elena turned to me while Joy poured our drinks. “You know, I was suspicious when you called to tell us you’d eloped. All the time I’ve known you, you’ve been adamantly against getting married. But then you showed up here with Luca, and I saw how he looked at you. Then he was so patient with Caleb, who’d challenged him at every turn, and I thought, ‘Saoirse might have landed a good one.’”
“He is good,” I agreed.
Joy slid us our drinks and moved along. I swallowed the sweet liquid, exhaling as it fired down my throat and warmed my chest.
“I think he’s good for you.” Elena took a gulp of her seltzer and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “He’s your lighthouse.”
“My—what?”
“Sometimes I worry about you, babe. You’ve been directionless for a long time while calling it freedom and adventure. Those are good things, but I see you using your adventurous spirit as a cover for your fear of committing toanything. Not a job, a city, a home. But since Luca came into your life, you’ve committed. You started the business you’ve been thinking about for years. You have the cat you always wanted. And you fell in love. Head over heels. I think being with Luca has allowed you to feel secure enough to grab on to the things you’ve always wanted. You can explore uncharted waters because he’s your beacon home. Do you even know how rare that is? To have someone who really sees you, values you, and supports you?”
Tears welled in my eyes. I couldn’t cry at the bar at Joy’s Elbow Room. I absolutely refused. So, I bit down on the inside of my cheek until I got myself under control.
“I love him very much,” I rasped. “But I don’t know how to navigate this. How do I move past these feelings I’ve had for so long?”
“You have to talk to each other.” She curled her arm around my shoulders. “He was wrong for forcing your hand and then being cruel to you when you couldn’t say what he wanted you to say. But there’s no way around this. You have to work through it. And that will only happen if you both are willing.”
I leaned my head against hers. “I don’t know if he’s willing.”
“You won’t know until you face him, babe. Running will only get you so far.”
I wasn’t ready to give up on Luca.
But I also wasn’t ready to face him either. Not when I still didn’t know if I was capable of being what he wanted me to be.
If he even wanted me at all.
Chapter Forty-two
Luca
Itseemedimpossibleforthere to be anything wrong in the world when I held my niece in my arms.
I was the second one to hold her. Clara hadn’t wanted to give her up, which I understood. I tried my best to play the part Miller would have, taking pictures of every moment and making sure Clara was as comfortable as possible.
Time was nothing but an abstract theory in the hospital. I dozed every once in a while and ate the leftovers from Clara’s tray. Our parents hovered at first, but our father needed to rest for his own health, so I was the one who stayed overnight with her.
While Clara napped, my niece squirmed in her bassinet, so I took her out and cradled her against my chest. Antonella Rossi—Nellie—made this crooked world straight again. I’d loved her before we’d even met, but I had never experienced anything like looking into her tiny, round face and feeling like I was falling and sinking at the same time.
“I’ll make it right for you,” I whispered. “When you need me, I’ll always be there, Nellie baby. Uncle Luca loves you.”
Her lips puckered, and long lashes brushed her cheeks. That was enough of a reaction for me. Anything she did was fucking amazing.
By day three, my sister and mother kicked me out. According to them, I was a walking zombie. And maybe I was. But the fact was, I preferred camping out in the hospital to facing the unknown outside of it.
Elliot was waiting for me out front. As much as I didn’t want to be dependent on anyone, I hadn’t slept in days, and I had no business driving.
