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"Call me an arsehole. A controlling dick. Tell me you hate me. I can work with hate. Not apathy though. I can’t deal with that."
I winced at his words. "I can't do this with you. I need to talk to Saff."
I turned to go, but then the words he uttered next froze me in place. "I fucked up. But I would do it again.”
“This isn’t just about Drake.” I shook my head. “I saw your knuckles after we left Tate at the black site.”
He swallowed hard. “Butterfly…”
“No. Don’t you butterfly me. We had a deal. You were going to let me run that interrogation. Then you took over. Tell me, next time we see Tate, how bloodied is he going to be?”
He swallowed. “I had to make sure he wouldn’t come after you once we released him. Just thinking about what he tried to do to you, I…" He swallowed hard. "The idea of losing you, I couldn't take it. Make no mistake. I’d do it again. He needed to understand that you are off limits for even thinking about."
I shook my head. "You are Ops Command. It's who you are. You can't be with me. And I love you so much it hurts. I feel like I'm being shredded from the inside out. But it's not just the Ops Command title, Gabe. It's who you are. You are the man in charge. And you would do anything and everything to keep me out of harm's way. A part of me should love you for that, and I do. But I also need to be who I'm supposed to be. I need you to trust me. To believe in me.”
His gaze narrowed. "I've always respected your abilities, Tabs."
"Yeah, but that was before. The moment we got together, it's like suddenly you can’t see me. I am a possession, and you want to hoard me like an object."
He took a step toward me. "Do you have any idea how I fucking feel about you?"
My stomach flipped. If he said the words I might cave. I had to separate us if I wanted to keep him out of this. Our relationship had done this. I was in this predicament because I’d wanted him.
“I want to believe you. But you treat me like a man with a possession. Did it occur to you how that might feel to me? I know you have secrets. I accept that, but I don’t like being surprised."
He winced. "Look the Drake thing was unavoidable. We just need to work through that. I'll apologize for the fact that I hurt you with Tate. I didn't think about how you'd feel or that you’d think that I didn't trust you. Obviously, I trust you with my life."
"You shouldn't. Because one day these feelings are only going to get one of us killed."
"Don't say that." The tight words barely escaped his lips.
"It's true. People will use us against each other. They already have. You already risked too much.”
“Butterfly…"
He started to take a step toward me, but I backed up. "No. I need to talk to Saff. Actually, you might as well come with me because it involves you too."
He frowned. "What?"
"Like I said, when you love someone, they can use them against you."
He dropped his voice an octave. "I know you, butterfly. Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from us.”
“I’m sorry. It’s already happening. You’ll always be Ops Command. And I’ll be the Monarch. We were never meant to fall in love.”
I left him on the stairs of the Abott Manor, refusing to look back. If I looked back, I would cave. Because all I wanted was to be with him.
But it would kill me in the end.
41
Tabatha
Expectant faces stared up at me, and I didn't know what to tell them.
Tell them the truth.
Saff gave me an encouraging nod and a small smile. Next to her, Lachlan looked from her to Gabe, then back to me, clearly trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. "Sorry for the late-night call, guys, but I'm sure communications is going to bring it up to Gabe anyway, and I wanted to try and get a game plan in place before it became even more urgent."
