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“Stop. It’s mutual. I like her much better than I like the rest of you.”
We were all anxiously waiting the adoption finalization, even if we didn’t say the words out loud for fear of jinxing it. Henri and Alice were their legal guardians indefinitely, but adoption was not a sure thing. They had the best lawyers, who’d dotted everyiand crossed everyt, but if anyone knew how easily shit could go sideways, it was the Gagnons.
Once it was official, we could breathe easily.
Across the dance floor, Parker chatted animatedly with Ellen and another woman from the office. The sight of it made my chest tighten, so I did what I did best to distract myself.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” I asked. “We were supposed to finally meet him.”
Without a word, she yanked the plastic cup out of my hand and chugged the champagne in it.
“I see.”
She shrugged.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I knew the answer, but I asked anyway.
She turned toward me, her whole body moving slowly and her face completely blank. “What do you think?” she asked, her voice eerily calm.
“Ah. Good talk,” I said, turning back to creeping on Parker. She looked so goddamned beautiful. I didn’t want to be the weirdo standing here staring, but I wasn’t sure how else to handle the emotions she stirred in me.
I was thinking things and feeling things, and my mind spun with possibilities.
Generally, I was not a fan of weddings. And despite popular belief, it wasn’t because I didn’t believe in marriage. It was great for some people, like my brothers. But because I found the big, generic party with predetermined rules and antiquated etiquette absurdly boring. These days, I was thankfully past the age where I’d have to attend multiple weddings a year.
But this was unlike any wedding I had ever been to. Figured my brother wouldn’t be traditional.
For once, I was enjoying myself at a reception. I was happy for Henri and Alice. And for Tucker and Goldie, who looked positively overjoyed. The way their family had come together and fought for one another was one of the most beautiful things I had ever witnessed.
The devotion my brother showed to his new wife and kids reminded me so much of my dad’s.
He was on my mind constantly. Not only because of his death and Parker’s investigation, but because the longer I stayed in Lovewell, the harder it was to avoid his legacy and his influence.
My dad loved big. He adored this town and its people. He loved logging. And most of all, he loved my mom.
I would love to say I blamed my commitment issues and general distrust of monogamous relationships on my parents. But they had provided nothing but a rock-solid example of partnership and unconditional love and a home filled with love and constant support.
Near the dessert table, my mom was laughing with friends and sipping champagne from a red plastic cup. Only a couple of years ago, she’d been in such a dark place that there were days she couldn’t get out of bed. Days she was debilitated by her grief and could not move forward.
But now she was an administrator at the elementary school and a doting grandmother. She was once again volunteering, throwing parties, and nagging her kids about eating vegetables.
I slapped on a fake smile and worked to look relaxed while the party swirled around me. Guests ate barbecue off paper plates while the band warmed up. The tent was warm, thanks to heaters, and kids ran wild across the grassy hill as the sun began to set.
And I found my mind wandering. This wasn’t so bad. The stability and partnership that Henri and Alice had was enviable, though I was loath to admit it. Alice and the kids invigorated my brother. His surly attitude still came out here and there, but he was far from miserable as a husband and father. Could this even be possible for me? For so long, I hadn’t thought so, so at the moment, I still couldn’t quite conceive of it.
I wasn’t a monster. I respected women. But after my one and only serious relationship, things changed. A numbness settled in, and I’d reveled in it.
Going out to bars and clubs had never been my thing, but at some point, I’d found myself tagging along with the guys from work. I typically wasn’t one to generalize, but the private equity firm I landed at tended to recruit former jocks and frat boys who lived by the work hard, play hard mentality.
And since I didn’t have anything in my life but work, and since the plans I had so meticulously crafted for my future had gone to shit. I started hanging out with them too.
Work till eight or nine, loosen the tie and then head out to restaurants and clubs, where we would be surrounded by women. It wasn’t fulfilling, but it was easy.
As a Gagnon, shutting down and ignoring my feelings was really the only coping mechanism I had. That and drinking, of course. Chopping wood too.
But then my brothers went and evolved. Fell in love. Learned to be vulnerable and shit. Then looked to me to do the same.
Didn’t they understand? If I stood still, if I thought too much, then it would all fall apart.
