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She walked along the racks, reading each label. “You don’t have a coffee table or a dining room table, but you have freeze-dried food? Iodine tablets? What are these even for?”
Despite my better judgment, I opened my big, dumb mouth. “I have enough here for a handful of friends and my family for at least thirty days, which, in the event of radiation exposure, is essential.”
“Radiation exposure?”
I nodded. Being prepared for an industrial accident wasn’t irrational.
She turned on her heel and went back to her perusal. “Water, water purification tablets, water jugs, water purifiers.” She ran her hand along the shelves.
“I like to be prepared.” I shrugged. “We experience extreme weather up here.”
She shuffled over and draped her arms around my shoulders, calming my racing heart immediately. “I’m not judging you. I just want to understand.”
I nodded.
“Because,” she said, “that’s a lot of batteries. Like an excessive amount. There have to be hundreds here, all labeled and in bins. And the flashlights.”
“They come in handy.”
“Of course. But you only have two hands. There are like fifty.”
She pulled back and snagged a roll of paper towels from the shelf. “Let’s go upstairs and talk.”
Feeling more than a little exposed, I followed her. I wasn’t ashamed. On the contrary, actually. Preparation was important to me, and I took pride in my ability to provide for myself and my family. But this thing between us was so new, and Parker wasn’t like me in this respect. She was wild and free and spontaneous. And now that she’d seen what was hidden behind the curtain, I couldn’t imagine she’d want anything to do with me.
She led me up to the couch and returned with two steaming mugs of coffee.
“Help me understand,” she said, her eyes soft and her head tilted a little.
Fuck. I was an anxious mess. Why couldn’t I be the kind of guy who could go with the flow and have a good time?
“I’ve always been like this,” I explained. “Even when I was a kid, my brain couldn’t slow down. I couldn’t let go of my concerns and just have fun. Instead, I’d picture catastrophe after catastrophe. Like a movie playing in slow motion.” I was always preparing, always planning. It was the only way I knew how to protect myself and my family.
With a sympathetic smile, she placed both our mugs on the coffee table, then snuggled up next to me silently, giving me the space to continue. Giving me the physical support to encourage me. The warmth of her body against mine made me feel less alone.
“I’m not even sure how it started. I knew, even when I was probably too young to understand, that my dad had a dangerous job. It wasn’t uncommon to hear about people we knew being seriously hurt or killed on the job. And then the roads. Every winter, there were horrible accidents.”
She nodded, almost like she understood.
“Things are extreme up here. It’s important to know how to handle yourself and the equipment. From an early age, I needed to make sure everyone was safe.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. My chest felt tight, and my hands shook, but I had to get it all out if I really wanted more with Parker, something lasting. I had to be honest with her. And to be honest, first, I had to be brave.
“It started as small stuff. I used to keep Band-Aids in my backpack, because Remy was always climbing trees and getting cuts and scrapes. And then it was a big water bottle and extra snacks, in case my siblings got hungry or thirsty while exploring the woods.”
“It’s how you love,” she murmured. “And I think it’s beautiful.”
My heart clenched. “It was my role. I was the organized one. And I relished it. I guess the scary things seemed a little more manageable when I felt like I had some control.”
“And your dad’s accident?”
I pulled her close and took a deep breath, letting the smell and feel of her strengthen me. “My brain shut down. And it’s never been the same. The fear, the constant panic. The need to be vigilant. It never goes away. I’m always waiting for the next terrible thing.”
She peered up at me. “Thank you for telling me this.”
“You probably think I’m crazy.” My shoulders slumped, and I dropped my chin. Fuck.
“Not at all. I think you’re human.”
