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Caera squeezed her eyes shut “Fear. They make me afraid. The woman changes between the flashes. In the first one, she was bossy and…arrogant. Like her orders were to be obeyed without question, even though the man did just that. But in the second one, when the man said I was four, she was less decisive. Softer.”
“Maternal?”
“No. I think I understood what they were, even so young. When her voice is in my head, I don’t have an urge to run to her and hug her. I want to hide where she can’t find me.”
“Mmm-hmm. What about the man?”
“I don’t like him. I don’t like either of them, and I don’t want them in my head! It feels like there’s a bomb in my chest counting down the hours until it all blows up in my face.”
“Bombs can be diffused, Caera. It’s just a matter of rooting out the wires and snipping the right ones to stop the explosion, but it means digging into what appears to be a painful childhood to find those wires. Do you think you’re ready for that?”
“No. I’m not. I’m finally happy, or at least closer to it than I’ve ever been.” To her horror, her voice broke mid-sentence.
“Take a deep breath in, sweetie. If you’re not ready, no one can force you to take the step. What I would urge you to do is think about mending the bridge with your parents, and asking them some seriously hard questions about the years you can’t remember.”
“Like what? I can’t exactly come out and demand to know who whipped me until my back looks like some sci-fi cosplay costume.”
Connie hissed between her teeth. “Well, that’s definitely something I want to know the answer to. Do you know where your family’s from? Have you met your grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins? How many states have you lived in? Where were you born?”
She knew most of that. “My grandparents on both sides are dead. There’s two uncles on my mom’s side, an uncle and an aunt on my dad’s, and about ten cousins between them all.” She worried her lower lip. “Mom’s family comes from North Carolina, my dad’s live in Maryland. We don’t see them often.”
“What about you? What state do you call home?”
“Arizona.”
“What state is on your birth certificate?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. My parents never told me where I was born.”
“Okay, it’s not a problem,” her friend assured her gently. “What about their home? Are there pictures of you?”
Caera’s lips pressed together. “There used to be. I guess they threw everything in the trash when they disowned me. They’re not the kind of people who like clutter in their house.”
“You’re not clutter, if that’s what you’re thinking, Caera. They made a very close-minded and rash decision—that’s their problem, not yours. Can you remember if they had pictures of you as a child? Baby photo albums, keepsakes?”
“Not that I’ve ever seen.”
“Okay. Caera, I’d like you to get Saul into the room with you if he isn’t already.”
Dread crept into her belly. “Why?”
“I have a theory I’d like to put to you, but I’d like him to be there as support.”
Her paranoid brain took that and ran with it like a flaming torch, setting fire to her growing anxiety and throwing gasoline on top.
Hands shaking, Caera called for Saul without questioning Connie any more. Whatever the psychologist was going to suggest, Caera got the distinct feeling that her world was about to rock, and twist upside down.
“Caera?” Ever the gentleman, he gave two quick raps on the door before opening it, then rushed to her before she could say his name gratefully. He spun the chair around to face him as he dropped to one knee. “What the hell happened? You’re white.”
“Connie has a theory,” she managed to choke out.
“That shouldn’t make you fade into the paintwork, bunny.” He took her hands. “Jesus, you’re freezing. Let me get you a blanket. Shivering all the damn weight you’ve put back on isn’t helpful.”
“I don’t need a blanket.” Suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable, she held her arms out to him, wrapping them around him as he lifted her out of the chair, sat, and snuggled her into the warmth of his body.
“What’s going on, Connie?” he demanded.
“This isn’t an easy thing for me to put forward, and I don’t intend any distress, although I’m sure it will.” Connie sighed heavily. “Caera has no memory of her life before she was eight. There are no pictures of her as a child that she can recollect, nothing precious kept by her parents from her formative years.”
