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By doing what? She didn’t understand, but it was quickly becoming apparent that whatever had transpired was deeply disturbing to her friends. One look at Saul’s tense, drawn face silenced any questions she had—he was shaken on a level she recognized.
He didn’t say a word as he stepped forward, tucking the blanket tighter around her, shielding her bare chest from view. His hands were shaking as he lifted her, settling her on his hip like a gigantic toddler, then carried her away.
The memory tried to resurface.
It suddenly struck her how quiet it was. The low murmurs of voices, the hum of moans and harsher sounds of play were completely silent. Had she done that? When she risked a peek over Saul’s shoulder, she was stunned to see that—aside from the small huddle of their friends—the scening area was empty.
God, she was ruining everything.
They met Anarchy coming through the doors leading into the walkway. Jasper’s sub was completely naked, and apparently oblivious to the fact that her shiny pieces of jewelry were on display for everyone to see, along with her body.
Clasping her hands together, Archie squeezed her eyes closed for a moment. “Oh, thank God. I’m sorry, Caera. So sorry. I swear, Jasper didn’t know…” Trailing off, big brown eyes slid across to Saul’s face. “I’m interrupting, aren’t I? I’ll get out of your way.” She stroked her hand down Caera’s arm. “I’m so glad you’re back with us.”
Caera wanted to reply, but it felt…wrong. Saul’s continued silence was unnerving, and she couldn’t help but imagine a guillotine blade hovering over the fragile neck of her life. Instead, she gave her friend a shy smile as her lover continued on his way without speaking, taking her directly to one of the doors they’d passed on their way into the barn.
When he opened the door, she expected a room of torture instruments and things designed to be used away from voyeuristic eyes. The jolt of surprise she experienced was strangely pleasant as she stared at the huge sleigh bed taking pride of place in the center of the room, the cherrywood gleaming under low, warm lights.
There was a loveseat against the left side wall, and cupboards on the right. The décor was quite masculine to her eye, a combination of dark wood and hunter green paint. The carpet didn’t quite match the drapes, a slightly lighter shade of green, but it looked soft enough that she wanted to set her feet in it and wiggle her toes.
Saul shut the door and carried her over to the bed, swinging her off his hip and onto the firm mattress. The blanket fell away in the process, but she didn’t grab it. She was too bewildered by the sight of the man she loved dropping to his knees in front of her as his hand curved around the back of her skull and held her while his forehead pressed against hers.
That big, powerful body shuddered hard.
“Saul—”
“No,” he said hoarsely. “Give me this.”
She rested her hands on his shoulders, feeling the vibration of his muscles under her palms. He was wound so tight, it was a miracle he didn’t shatter. She might not remember what had happened over the past however many minutes, she might not understand what was going on, but it was evident that he did, and it was bad enough to shake his foundations.
“Never in my life have I been as scared as I was tonight,” Saul murmured, tightening his fingers. “Everything was perfect—you were floating, ready for aftercare, and then the whip cracked. I felt you stop breathing. For the longest fucking moments of my life, you didn’t take a single breath. No movement, no sound, nothing.”
Caera blinked.
“It cracked again, and it was like it tore you open. You responded as though someone was ripping into you with a fucking knife, and there was nothing I could do to help you. The screams you made…I didn’t know human vocal cords could make those sounds. So high, so piercing. So fucking afraid and full of pain I couldn’t save you from.” He blew out a shaky breath. “You were fighting me, winning at one point. I had to pin you before you hurt yourself, hold you down, and you were begging in a child’s voice.” Goddamn it, his voice broke. “A fucking child begging a monster to stop whipping you bloody.”
The memory tickled the surface again, lending credence to his statement. She could see an almost ghostly vision of what he was describing, as though her mind was valiantly trying to protect her from accessing the details.
“I thought I could handle knowing what those assholes put you through, but it’s one thing imagining it and dealing with it, and another dilemma entirely hearing you scream in agony as though you were reliving every goddamn second.” Easing back, Saul loosened his grip on her head, his gray eyes sad. “The scars on your back are more than just a physical record of what they did to you, little rabbit. They’re a fucking monument to the strength you possess, your courage. I don’t know many people who could go through that level of pain at such a young age and still be able to smile.”
Caera’s hands dropped from his shoulders. Scooting back across the bed, she patted the plump pillow. “Will you hold me, Saul?”
Still on his knees, he hesitated, his jaw tightening.
“Please?”
Slowly, he rose. Every movement was slow, as though carrying her through the traumatic event and keeping her safe from herself had reduced him into an old man. He tugged down the pristine black covers, then stripped off his shirt and pants, kicking off his boots. “Get in, bunny.”
Divesting herself of what little clothing she still wore, Caera scrambled under the thin duvet, her bare skin shivering against the coolness of fresh sheets. An anxious voice humming in the back of her mind quieted when he slipped in behind her, spooning her into his warmth, his hand flat against her stomach.
“I don’t remember any of that,” she told him honestly. “There were voices. You and Jasper, Connie and Loki. But the memory of them has faded. I-I’m sorry that you had to go through that because of me. How…how badly have I damaged what we have?”
If she were truthful with herself, she could see this being the end of them. There was only so much a man could take before his composure snapped, and his mental health had to become the priority. She knew from her own struggles that what she held secret inside her was enough to drive a person to suicide, and she refused to use his love as a weapon against him to keep him with her.
“Caera…”
She swallowed hard, playing with his fingers. “It’s okay, Saul. There has to be a limit. We reached it tonight. When my problems have the power to ruin someone like this, it’s not fair to ask you to shoulder that burden any more than you already have. It’s what I’ve been trying to say all along, and I think that tonight you finally realized that you can’t save me from myself.”
“I’m not giving up on you. I love you, Caera.”
