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He did, and she would take that to the grave. But even the sheer force of that love wasn’t enough to disguise the distance she could feel between them already. It was a tiny bubble, a little pocket of cold air that would grow until they couldn’t touch, couldn’t find each other again.
Her past was determined to fuck up her future.
“I love you too.”
Did he feel it? Had he comprehended what it meant?
“We’ll work through it, little rabbit, I promise. It’s going to take time and patience, but we can get you through this. With Connie’s help, maybe we can desensitize the trigger. Hell, Jasper probably has something up his sleeve that will work.” Saul kissed the top of her shoulder. “If not, then we stay away from whips. We don’t have to go back there again.”
That was just letting Dominic win, she thought morosely. Not only was it letting him control her years after the event, it was extending that leash to a collar around Saul’s neck, and that was unacceptable. Her flaws shouldn’t be allowed to dictate his life as well.
Wasn’t it a shame that she liked Avalon? As surprising as it was, she found herself enjoying the atmosphere of the place, the familial aspect of socialization, and she was definitely a fan of playing with him. The trust required to submit was fascinating, rewarding, and if she hadn’t fucked it up, she was willing to admit she’d do it all over again.
Saul shifted, reaching behind him, then urged her into sitting up.
She let him tend to her, the silence growing as she drank a bottle of water and nibbled unenthusiastically on a few cubes of chocolate. As she ate, his hand stroked her exposed thigh reassuringly, but she couldn’t ignore the keen edge of that growing distance.
Part of her was sure she was imagining it. Putting her own fears in the middle of them and forcing them apart before he could, but that didn’t make her feel any better. It didn’t explain why he was acting differently after this compared to when he looked after her in the aftermath of a nightmare.
“We can stay for the night here if you like,” he offered gently as she licked the last of the chocolate from her bottom lip. “Liam won’t mind. Or we can take a nap, find the balance again, and drive home in an hour or so. Whichever you prefer, little rabbit.”
There was so much to discuss, but now wasn’t the right time. The memory was adamant it wanted to return, and until she allowed it to show her how badly she’d hurt him, she couldn’t help him.
She gave him a sad smile. “A nap sounds nice. I like it when you hold me.”
“Well, that won’t change. Cuddling you when you sleep is one of my favorite things to do with you.” He reached out and grasped her chin firmly, ensuring her eyes were on his. The turmoil in his gaze evaporated as he studied her face. “Let’s get one thing straight, Caera, before you get spooked and decide to run. Tonight changes nothing. Nothing. I still love you, and as long as you love me, we will beat this shit and come out stronger on the other side.”
Oh fuck. She tried not to broadcast her thoughts, because obviously he was an expert mind reader…or maybe he knew her a lot better than she believed. “Saul…”
“That anxious little brain is working overtime,” he said bluntly. “I can see the cogs turning, and they’re not going in the right direction. If you run because of this, I will chase you down to the ends of the fucking earth, and then I will fuck the living daylights out of you until you understand that we’re in this for the long haul, no matter how long it takes. If I have to fuck you until you can’t feel your legs to keep you from bolting, it won’t be a hardship. Am I making myself clear?”
Oh my.
Caera swallowed, nodding in agreement as she grew wet. “Y-Yes, Sir?”
“Say it,” he growled.
“It’s absolutely clear it won’t be a hardship.”
“Mmm-hmm. And what will I do if you try to run from this?”
She licked her lips nervously. “F-Fuck me until I can’t move.”
“Perfect, then we understand each other.” Something shifted inside him, a weight slipping off his shoulders. Exchanging the grip on her chin for a palm against her cheek, he leaned forward and kissed her possessively. “Good girl. Tomorrow is a new day, little rabbit.”
Somehow, he’d managed to set her world back on an even keel. That was the magic of him, she thought as he snuggled her against him once again, his arm around her waist. He could set aside his own troubles and make her the focus of his world when she was spinning out of control.
As his breathing settled, she found herself relaxing into him, her body taking cues from his.
Tomorrow was indeed a new day.
*
Two weeks after the disaster at Avalon, Saul still found himself waking every morning expecting to find her gone. That fear abated a little, day by day, as September passed by and slipped into October, but never quite disappeared completely.
They were no longer staying at Connie’s house, but settled in his own. He’d made that decision the morning after Caera’s violent flashback, unwilling to subject the Mistress and Thane to any more traumatic incidents—Connie was still dealing with her own.
His work had taken a dramatic shift, and his blog posts of the last week had focused on the triggers and recovery systems of submissives with abusive pasts. With input from both Connie and Jasper, he was expanding his articles to include Dominants with the same issues.
