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When she returns my phone to me, she says, “You’re not a slut.”
“Maybe I am though,” I breathe out. “I wouldn’t know, would I?”
“Having a lot of sex doesn’t make you a slut,” she tells me, adamant.
I almost smile. “Pretty sure that’s the definition of a slut, Mom.”
She blushes. “You know what I mean.”
She doesn’t wantslutto be a negative thing. For me to talk badly about myself. I get that. “I do,” I whisper. “I do. But I guess…I don’t care about being called a slut as much as I care about being called a…” I trail off, not wanting to hurt her.
“A sex addict,” she finishes for me.
I wince, more pain blossoming inside me. “I keep saying the wrong things,” I whisper.
“Nonono,” she says quickly. “You didn’t sayanythingwrong, Luna. It’s okay to not want to be known as a sex addict. I don’t want that for you either.”
I wipe harshly at my eyes, trying to stop them from watering so much. “I’m sorry this is the second time we’re having this conversation. I know it’s not fun.”
Her face shatters.
“What?” I whisper, more dread compounding on me.
“Luna,” she says my name and it’s filled with pure sorrow. “We’ve never had this conversation before.”
No.
I don’t believe that.
I stagger back a step. “If I was casually hooking up with a lot of guys, I would’vedefinitelytalked to you about being concerned I’d be perceived as a sex addict. No?”
“No, you didn’t talk to me about that,” she says, but before I break down even more, she adds fast, “and maybe that was my fault that I didn’t pry more—”
“No, stop,” I tell her. “It’s not you. This is a fuckingtheme, Mom.” I pace back and forth, hands on my forehead. “Did I even talk to you about what it felt like to have my fics leaked? Because you out ofeveryonewould have understood what that felt like, right? Theshame.The fuckingshame.” I’m clutching at the watch on my wrist, trying to keep everything together.
But I am completely unraveling.
She shakes her head and blinks, her built tears falling down her cheeks. “You didn’t come to me.”
I feel awful. As good as dirt.
What was Original Luna thinking? Why was she so closed off?
My mom rubs her face. “But it’sokay. It’s okay, Luna. I’m not upset at you for that.”
“We’re not close?” I choke out those words, my whole world tilting on its axis. I can’t believe I shut her out of my life. She’s mymom.I told her about my crush on my imaginary boyfriend and how we had invisible kisses when I was little. And I know, as I’ve grown older, I haven’t sharedeverything, but why wouldn’t I confide in her on the things that matter most?
“We’re close,” she defendsus.“You wanted to get on birth control, andItook you.”
She took me?
Okay,okay.I try to catch my breath.But we don’t talk as much anymore?I scramble for memories past my eighteenth birthday, but I have none. Did having sex change things for me? Did the world viewing me as an adult make me pull away from her?
I know the media treated Jane differently the moment she turned eighteen.Fair game.The same thing likely happened to me.
41
LUNA HALE
