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“She met him after we were already on the streets. The only reason she is with him is because she was poor and desperate.”
“I know that’s what she told you, Cordelia, but the truth is—”
“Cora,” I grit out. “For the last time, my name is Cora.”
He runs a hand down his face. He looks as exhausted as I feel. “Your mother told you a lot of things, Cora. My guess is a lot of them weren’t true. I didn’t abandon you. She was cheating on me and she left to be with him. What happened after that, I don’t know for sure. But I know I didn’t leave.”
I remember being huddled next to a bench one night, trying to blend in so none of the beat cops on patrol would bother us. My mom fell asleep crying.“He won’t help us, Cora. He’s going to leave us out here to die.”
I thought she meant my dad, but maybe…
My head is swimming. He’s telling a much different story from the one I’ve known the last ten years. But even worse, I know he’s lying. At least about one part of it.
My chin wobbles. I work hard to keep it steady as I meet his eyes. “Whatever happened with her and Alexander and you, youdidabandon me. You disappeared. You left me with them even when they…”
I can’t make myself say it. I haven’t seen this man for almost half of my life. What kind of explanation do I really owe him?
Still, his face crumples. He lifts a hand like he wants to reach for me, but he thinks better of it and lets it fall to his side.
“You’re right,” he says finally. “I wasn’t the one who left first, but… I still left. I should have fought harder to see you and to get custody. I thought your mom would come back once you’d been on the streets, but she didn’t. Then she was with Alexander and I thought you were happy there. I thought—never mind. It doesn’t matter what I thought. I fucked up, Cora. Big time. But I want to try to make up for it starting now.”
I have half a mind to ask him what he wants from me. Everyone else seems to want something. My mom and Alexander want to use me like a bartering chip. Mikhail wants me to be his thoroughbred breeder. Francia used me as a decoy.
Ivan is the first person in my life who wants me for me. I’m not ready to believe there are other people like him.
Not yet.
“Can you forgive me?” my dad asks. “Could we try to start over?”
At one point, I would have lied. Out of fear that he would get upset and never see me again, I would have lied about what I wanted. What I needed.
Not anymore.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “This is a lot. I’m not sure what to make of it all. I need time. Maybe a lot of it.”
Disappointment flashes across his face, fast and furious, but he wipes it away and nods. “Okay. That’s understandable.”
We stare at each other for a few seconds before he takes a step back towards the door. “I guess I should… I’ll leave.”
“That’s probably for the best,” I say softly.
“Ivan has my number if you need anything. Or if you don’t need anything. Just… if you want to talk.”
I can’t meet his eyes as he walks away. I don’t want him to see me cry.
45
CORA
Ivan walks my dad out. I retreat into our bedroom and try to keep myself from crumbling.
I’m not that scared little girl living on the streets with her mom. I’m not that terrified teenager trying to disappear into the wallpaper at Alexander McAllister’s house.
I’m a different person in a different world. I’ve changed.
But that doesn’t make any of this easier to process.
I curl up on the bed, hugging my pillow to my chest. Sitting outside felt like being in a fishbowl. I don’t want to be on display. I want to be alone.
