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She never spoke to me like that before, but I knew she was just trying to make me comfortable and make light of our goodbye.
“You were the first boy to start trouble, start cussing, picking up girls, the first at everything. You were also the first to take the blame when it wasn’t yours to take, defending the boys when they needed defending, protecting Alex the most when she never asked for it to begin with. And look at you now, baby, you’re a narcotics Detective. Do you have any idea how proud I am of you? I never worried about you, Dylan. Out of all you boys, you were the least of my concerns. I knew you would always lead with your heart, as much as you try to mask it with women.” She shook her head, frowning.
“It’s not who you are. It’s who you think you’re supposed to be. Like right now, you want to cry. You want to break down so badly, but you won’t because you’re strong. You’ve always been so damn strong for everyone else, even when you’re hurting inside.”
I swallowed hard.
“There’s a time and place for everything. Sometimes it takes us longer than we hoped, but that doesn’t mean that it will never come. It’ll just mean that much more when it finally does.”
I nodded, taking in her words.
“I’m going to be watching from Heaven, smiling and cheering you on, because no one deserves it more than you do.”
I bit my lip, my eyes watering.
“I prayed last night. I prayed for the first time in a long time, Dylan. For patience, strength, and courage. For love. Not for me… I’m not scared of dying. I’m terrified of what I’m leaving behind. My kids, you boys, my friends, and the love of my life. It’s you guys that will suffer. I’m going to a better place because it’s my time to go, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t feel me.” She placed her hand on my heart. “Here.”
I peered down at her hand, lost in what she was saying.
“I don’t have to tell you to watch over my kids. I know you will. You’ve been doing it your entire life.”
I blinked away the tears, unable to hold them back any longer.
“Dylan-fuckin’-McGraw, I love you and one day you’re going to love yourself again too.”
I leaned in and hugged her unable to form words.
The next few days felt like they were zooming by, yet at the same time, standing still. All of us waited for the expected. Her heart started to give out one evening, and it was time for their dad to make the decision to take her off the machines that were keeping her alive. The pain she was feeling was noticeably unbearable. We could all see it in her eyes, she wanted to go, but was holding on for us.
After he made the decision that it was time to leave her in God’s hands, he came into the room. I stood with Lily in my arms and Lucas sitting next to me. Their dad bent down by her, holding her hand in his. She had maybe spoken five words all day. He looked down at her with tears filling his eyes and remorse for what he just decided.
He begged, “Please, tell me you love me, please, baby, tell me you love me.”
She pried open her heavy lids and whispered, “I love you."
He then kissed her forehead and cried, "Good, because I love you, too."
I had just witnessed one of the most beautiful, but painful moments of my life.
It was then that I bawled.
For a love that I yearned for, a love exactly like that, and finally realized that I might never get to have it.
AUBREY
“You, stupid fucking bitch.” He backhanded me across the face so hard that I saw stars. “Fuck! I hate this goddamn town. Why? Why did I listen to you and move here? To fucking Oak Island?”
We relocated back to Oak Island four years ago when Lucas and Alex got married. Jeremy hadn’t let me live it down since. The only reason he agreed to move with me was he thought he wouldn’t have to deal with his father as often. Unfortunately, it backfired on him, and consequently, on me. He traveled all the time back to California and who knows where the hell else.
We had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Except when it came to me. That was a whole different story. I had to ask and tell him everything, or I’d pay for it.
Lucas and Alex got married almost a year after Lucas’ mom lost her battle to cancer. After everything they had been through they still found their way back to each other, and I was thrilled for them.
They were meant to be together.
I went to the wake and the funeral, but Dylan and I didn’t say one word to each other. He was in so much pain and there wasn’t anything I could do for him.
Not anymore.
