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“I told Jacob what I had done, and you were released from prison eight weeks later. Your record had to be sealed. That was another condition for me to keep my mouth shut. You kept the clothes to save me, McGraw, but they ended up saving you.”
AUBREY
“I have been trying to tell you that since you were released from prison, but you’ve barely said two words to me that weren’t in reference to Giselle. I figured that eventually you would apply for a job somewhere or you would need your record pulled up for something. When the time came, you’d seek answers from Jacob and he would lead you to me.”
“Jesus Christ,” he rasped overwhelmed with everything I revealed to him. “So, what, Aubrey? What do you want now? A thank you? Is that what you’re looking for? Or do you want me on my knees again?” he viscously spewed. “This doesn’t change anything. You made the decision to hide my daughter from me. My kid! I got no say in the matter. Not once did you ask me what I wanted. I have missed sixteen years of her life, and for what? After everything I did for you, after ten years of trying to save you from your own demise, that’s how you repay me? You knew! You fucking knew that I would have raised her. That I would have been there for her with or without you. No questions asked. You had every chance to tell me the truth! Every fucking opportunity under the sun to let me know I had a child! Nothing! Not one word!” he roared, pacing the room and pulling at his hair like he wanted to tear it out.
“I used to wish it was dead,” I blurted out the truth. It had been haunting me since the day I found out I was pregnant.
He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with an expression I had never seen before. One of pure hatred so thick I could almost choke on it.
“The day I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to kill it. I wanted to have an abortion. I wanted nothing to do with the mistake growing inside me, it was a constant reminder of my rape. I bawled my eyes out for two days straight trying to convince my mom and aunt to let me go through with it. They wouldn’t. They told me that I didn’t know if it was his.”
“You’re not helping your case, sweetheart. Now, you’re telling me they knew the entire time, too? How was I not informed by at least your mom? I could have-.”
“Jesus, Dylan! What did you think was going on when you found me in my room? What did you think I was doing, smashing my fists into the mirror? What do you think I was going to do if you hadn’t barged in when you had?”
He winced. It was quick, but I saw it.
“Exactly. I couldn’t be near you. That day in the abandoned house you weren’t the only one left on your goddamn knees, McGraw! I was, too. I’ve been there the last sixteen years!”
His chest heaved.
“I went to live with my aunt for the entire pregnancy. I was going to give the baby up for adoption. I swear to you on Giselle’s life that I thought it was his. Not for one second did I think it could be yours. Not one!” I shook my head, hating the next thing I was going to admit out loud for the first time.
“I thought it was a monster growing inside me, and I can’t fucking tell you…” I whimpered, my voice breaking. “How many times I contemplated doing it myself. Falling down the stairs, taking a coat hanger…” I shut my eyes, the shame eating me alive. “I wanted it dead. I wanted it dead so fucking bad, I couldn’t breathe. I used to pray that I would miscarry or that it would just disappear. How fucked up is that? The entire time I was pregnant I thought about him. His hands on me, his body over mine, his voice in my ear. Every single day I went through the rape all over again. I was positive it was his child, and there was no telling me I was wrong. I wouldn’t listen. I hated the thing living inside me! There were days where I would go without eating, where I wouldn’t take my prenatal vitamins, where I would miss doctor appointments, in hopes that it would die,” I cried, uncontrollable tears fell from my face.
“Finally my aunt took charge and forced me to do everything I had to while I was pregnant. Pretty much dragging me in the car for the visits, making sure I was eating every day, and taking my vitamins. She barely let me out of her sight to use the bathroom, in fear of what I would do. I went to bed one night and woke up to a pool of blood in between my legs. I actually contemplated letting it die even if it meant killing me with it.”
His eyes widened.
“But I couldn’t do it. I woke her up and she rushed me to the emergency room. I was four weeks away from my due date, and they had to do an emergency C-section because I was hemorrhaging. I guess my efforts paid off. It all happened so fast. They took it out and all I remember was hearing it cry before I drifted in and out of sleep. I didn’t even know the sex. I didn’t even care to find out. They shouted ‘her heart’s going into distress’ as chaos filled the room and they whisked it away. I didn’t care. I was left with my aunt and my racing thoughts. My mom hadn’t made it in from North Carolina yet, so my aunt stepped in. I laid there, still hoping it wouldn’t survive.”
“Jesus, Bree,” he breathed out.
“The next morning I woke up to my mom sitting by my bed, crying. My aunt was doing the same. I thought they were going to tell me she had died. That there was nothing they could do, and she didn’t survive.” I took a deep breath. “The nurse brought in a wheelchair and I knew what they were trying to do. I said I wasn’t going. I told them I didn’t care to see her. I didn’t want her. They made me do this. I told them that I hated them.” I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking.
“They forced me to go, pushing the wheelchair for me, bringing me to a room where there were incubators everywhere.” I wiped my face. “They didn’t even have to tell me where she was. I knew the moment we went into the room. She looked exactly like you, McGraw,” I paused to let my words linger.
“That’s when I realized I almost killed our baby.”
DYLAN
Tears fell from my eyes.
“I thought I hated myself before, but it was nothing in comparison to what I went through in that second. They wheeled me toward her and she looked so tiny,” she sobbed, making me relive it with her. I felt like I was there.
“She had tubes coming out of her everywhere, it was heartbreaking. They let me stick my hand through one of the holes. I got to touch her soft skin. I got to feel her for the first time. I loved her immediately, but I didn’t deserve her. She was there because of me. My mom said she would help me raise her, that we could tell you and that she knew you would be there for me. For us. That you would help in anyway that you could, and deep down I knew she was right, but I was fucked up, Dylan. I couldn’t raise her after everything I did, after everything I felt, everything I prayed for. My aunt said she would take her, that all I would have to do is sign over my parental rights. She promised me that if I ever changed my mind and wanted her back, she would be mine as long as I got help and dealt with all the emotional trauma.”
I nodded in understanding, silently encouraging her to continue.
“I didn’t think twice about it. I handed her over to someone that I knew would do right by her. My aunt never lied to her, Giselle always knew what happened and I always kept tabs on her. I just wasn’t in her life. Why do you think I ended up with Jeremy?”
The realization hitting me like a ton of fucking bricks.
“You were punishing yourself for giving up our child,” I answered, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Don’t you think I deserved it? After what I wanted, after what I prayed for?”
