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“Goddamn, it, Bailey,” I whispered to myself, battling like hell not to open the door and allow Camila everything she craved.
Including me.
I felt it.
Our intense connection.
From the second she stepped foot into this house for her interview with Skyler, I was drawn to her…
A woman who wasn’t my wife.
I couldn’t do that to Bailey, to our marriage, to the love we shared.
I wouldn’t.
It was one of the reasons I hadn’t met Camila. On top of the several other circumstances I existed outside of this house. The walls were closing in on me, and I found it hard to catch my breath. Feeling her everywhere…
And I wasn’t just talking about the woman who would forever own my soul. The love of my life.
Beauty.
It didn’t stop me from watching Camila on video every chance I got. Seeing her bond with Journey, her struggle with Jackson, her attention to Jagger, all of it since day one. Her devotion to my kids, to this house, to their lives held me captive every day. The least I could do to show my appreciation was to buy her favorite things she casually mentioned to Journey.
I may not have physically been here for my children, but I made sure they were safe, fed, and had a roof over their heads. It was all I could manage to do. I was stuck in the past, unable to move forward or think about the future. My life had been ripped away, but my kids were always on my mind.
No matter what, they were there.
I had become a shitty fucking father, I knew this. I let down my family in unforgiveable ways for circumstances beyond my control. Abandoning my kids and home to pour everything that was left of my existence into the hospital. The one place I didn’t feel her or see her. I became the man I always promised myself I’d never be. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without seeing all the shitty foster dads staring back at me.
I was one of them.
Once I heard Camila start walking down the steps and away from our home, my chest tightened to the point of pain.
Squeezing…
Choking…
Suffocating what was left of me.
I took a step, about to open the door and allow life to run the course it was set to follow. Damning me to Hell for disrespecting my wife but giving my children what they absolutely needed.
Her.
I turned the knob just as Journey’s loud wails began resonating down the hall. Another problem I wasn’t ready to face quite yet. My feet still moved on their own one right after the other, pushing my body toward her nursery.
Skyler and Journey were the only ones who knew I came back every night after twelve-hour shifts. Checking on the kids while they were sleeping. I felt like a piece of shit every time I saw Camila sleeping in the guest bedroom with my baby girl in her arms.
Jackson was so mad at me. His father, the same one who’d always been his hero turned into one of the biggest disappointments in his life. He was acting out in ways I should have expected, though. Camila was handling it like a fucking champ. He was putting her through the ringer, and she took each and every blow. Giving it right back at him. My son needed a role model, and she was proving to be exactly that.
Jagger was withdrawing more and more into himself. My second born had always been quiet, reserved, thought shit out before he spoke. Wiser than his years. Bailey used to joke he was born an old soul, taking after me…
His father.
I couldn’t stay away from my children. I was there the only way I knew how, by watching from afar. Although neither of us deserved it, I lost count of how many times I saw Camila show Journey pictures of Bailey and myself, emphasizing we were her parents.
Journey knew me, she knew I was her daddy. I’d sit in the rocking chair that was supposed to bring us luck and watch her every night.
Anytime she was sleeping, she’d always wake up, even if it was only for a few seconds, she’d make eye contact with me and smile in her sleep haze.
