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There were several times she was already awake, waiting for her old man to show up.
Other than her, my sons hadn’t seen me since the day Bailey left me over eight months ago…
I stopped living.
Breathing.
Surviving without her.
Not seeing her but feeling her was worse than fucking death. Every breath I took felt as if it were my last.
How do you mend a broken heart?
How do you go on with life without your person walking next to you?
I missed her so damn much. I wish she’d come back to me, to us.
As soon as I walked into Journey’s room, she reached for me like she did most nights when she was awake. Standing against the bars of her crib.
Except I couldn’t hold her.
I couldn’t comfort her.
Our daughter.
Our baby girl.
The one we always dreamt of and prayed for.
I couldn’t be the father she needed. The one they all needed. I didn’t know who I was without my wife. Without her love, her reassurance, her smile.
I was lost in plain sight.
Journey wasn’t having it tonight, though, like she knew I’d just fired and threw out her favorite person. She was throwing a fit similar to the ones she used to have before Camila held her in her arms and made her know she was wanted.
Loved.
Adored.
Her wails got louder, blocking out all my other senses. Her cries turned into ear-piercing screams, and still I couldn’t reach for her, hold her, feel her against me.
“Baby, I’m sorry… Daddy is so sorry.” I broke down, falling to my knees. Pleading for mercy, for forgiveness, for another life where Bailey was still by my side.
With me.
Beside me.
Holding my hand.
“I never wanted this life for you, Journey. It was never supposed to be like this. Please forgive me, I need you to forgive me.”
More wails.
More screams.
More, more, more.
“God, is this what you wanted for me all along? I get it, okay? I hear you! Please I am begging you to make her stop. Please help me move on … I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t go on.”
