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I knew he wasn’t going to let me go until I did. His eyes were glazed over, like they were every time he wanted to know something about me. Dylan was one of the most impatient people I had ever met, except when it came to me opening up to him. He would wait till the end of time to get what he wanted to know out of me. He wouldn’t give up until I did. He was relentless when it came to something he wanted, especially me.
At times I felt our relationship was more than just wanting to be together, it was more than the classic boy meets girl story. What we had wasn’t a normal high school romance. It ran much deeper than that. It had been that way since the very beginning, and the longer we were together, the more I realized he didn’t just want to know me…
He wanted to own me.
“Talk to me,” he repeated in a gentle tone. Rubbing my arm in a comforting gesture. I peered down into my lap not wanting him to see my weakness. I knew he wanted me to look him in the eyes.
That was another thing about McGraw…
He wanted to see the truths that most people tried to ignore.
I struggled like hell to let go of my resolve that I had been holding onto since we moved here. To bring down the wall I’d built so high, so thick with everyone except him. I never understood why he was the exception. I used to spend hours thinking about the connection we shared, the intensity of it, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he listened, every smile, every laugh. Every word that fell from his lips meant something.
It didn’t matter how big or how small.
It was there.
Etching its way into my heart where no one could ever come close to it.
Not that I had ever let them.
I wrapped my arm around my stomach trying to hold it together and tell him something I had never told anyone. Not even my aunt. Of course she knew because my mom told her, but I spent days locked in my room, holding my hands over my ears to drain the voices from that day out of my mind. I didn’t want to relive it again.
The first time was enough.
So when I opened my mouth and said, “My dad had a teacher conference at my school one afternoon,” I shocked myself with what I was about to openly share with a boy that would undo me.
“Except on this particular day, my mom was with him.” I bit my lip, trying to keep my voice steady. Already knowing it was no use, the inevitable was going to happen. I was going to break down in the arms of a boy I really liked. I released my arms, picking at the seams of my shirt for a few seconds before I could continue.
My mind was running a marathon, making it difficult to try and find the right words to express how much that day meant to me. “I remember being so happy. I was so happy I could have cried, Dylan,” I recalled, shaking my head, almost feeling that happiness again. “I wasn’t concerned about my grades, I’ve always been a good student, but I was thrilled my mom was there to hear my teacher talk about me. I was proud of my accomplishments and maybe she would be, too.”
My eyes blurred with tears threatening to surface. I pushed them back, having years of conditioning to do so. Dylan was so attentive, sweeping the hair away from my face and softly rubbing my cheek with his thumb.
Silently telling me it was okay to keep going.
“When my parents’ and I got in the car, I was just so grateful that they were both there. How fucking stupid is that?” I wept. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. The memory held me captive for so long. It overpowered me.
My emotions ran wild.
“Come here.”
He drew me closer, letting me melt into his chest. Rubbing my back, and whispering, “Shhh” in my ear. He allowed me to cry and let go of the dire anguish I’ve been carrying in me since that day.
“It’s not stupid, baby, it’s not stupid at all. It’s a strong part of you.”
I sat up, licking my lips not bothering to wipe away the stray tears. “I hugged my mom. I mean I full-on hugged my mom so tight for the first time in a long time. I wanted her to know what it meant to me that she was there with my dad. That she took an interest in my life, instead of just hearing about it from my dad, my aunt, or me.” I sniffled as Dylan caught another tear rolling down my cheek.
“I was hoping that if I showed her how much it meant to me, that maybe it could happen more often, you know, like she would realize how important it was to me for her to include herself in my life and stuff, like my schooling.” I shook my head, saddened. “I never said that to her though, maybe I should have. Maybe it could have changed something.”
I knew in my heart it wouldn’t have.
I paused, needing to take a deep breath. I closed my eyes, and I swear I could see the look on her face when I jumped into her arms. It was forever engraved into my mind, a memory I refuse to let go of. No one could take that vision away, even though it hurt me every time I thought about it.
“From school we all went to the ice cream parlor in town. The same one my dad would take me to when it was just us. I loved that he was trying to include her in our after school routine. Show her what we did together.” I let out a deep breath I didn’t realize I was holding, licking my dry lips and brushing my tears away from my face.
My mascara running everywhere.
“Walking back to the car, I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed that our boards were on the roof. I eagerly looked over at my dad and he just nodded. Reaffirming what I already knew. They were taking me to the beach. The day wasn’t over.”
