AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I peered out the window with a sense of longing, looking at all the loving families on the beach, only reminding me that I didn’t have that.
That I never did.
“I rode wave, after wave, after wave. I swear it was like the universe knew. The waves would come in sets of two or three, spaced out every couple minutes. There were nice clean breaks. It made it so much easier to paddle when you’re not fighting against the current, and the winds were calm and clean,” I reminisced, imagining it like it was just yesterday and that I was still there. I could smell the saltwater in the air and feel the warm sun on my skin. Having an out of body experience.
“I know, darlin’, there’s nothing else like it,” he stated with dilated eyes.
My memory was clearly affecting him, too.
“The wave heights were overhead, five to eight feet. To be able to ride a clean wave face down in a long line was like bonding with earth. The power that pushed me right along was amazing. The excitement to get out there, again and again, to catch the next big wave with my dad by my side was awesome. To have my mom watching from the beach made it that much better. We rode the waves all day long, back and forth without a care in the world. Running around in the sand and water carefree and laughing. All I wanted to do was impress my mom, thinking that if I did she would come out to the beach with us all the time. We would be one of those families that I prayed for every night,” I paused to gather my thoughts, trying to put my emotions in check, but I was too far gone.
I was physically there, but my mind had checked out.
I was there…
But I wasn’t.
10
Aubrey
“The sun was setting as I sat on my board looking out over the horizon. California sunsets… there is nothing like them. The sky was like a painting of bold pinks, purples, and oranges, all of them meshing into one, getting ready to dive into the water and bring us night. The remaining sunlight sparkled on the water, glimmering on the surface. It was so peaceful. I didn’t want the day to end. It was one of the best days of my life,” I cried, getting choked up, wanting to swallow it back down, to bury it like I had done my memories and emotions.
“I rode our last wave of the day with tears falling down my face. The sadness that it was over was devastating. I hated feeling that way. I wanted to start the whole day all over again. Put it on constant repeat, so I could play it whenever I wanted to. When I grabbed my board and we walked back to where my mom was, she was smiling. Happy,” I wallowed, not wanting to get to the next part.
I fucking hated the next part.
It broke me.
“To have her be part of our family, to actually have a family that did normal things and spent time together, was all I ever dreamt of. It was the family I so desperately wanted.”
I failed at wiping all the tears away from my face. They were coming so fast, so hard, so unforgiving, like a faucet I couldn’t shut off. I swear he could feel my pain, it resonated that deeply all around us. Stabbing me over and over again, that the Jeep started to become confining, making it harder for me to breathe.
The space was closing in on me and I couldn’t move, I was suffocating in nothing but my own misery. My lungs felt as if they had nothing left in them, the air was gone, and I didn’t know if it would ever come back. My vision narrowed, and sounds became distant. My heartbeat echoing in my ears.
I needed to continue, to push on, and just when I thought that I couldn’t… Dylan grabbed my hand and put it over his heart.
It was so steady.
It was so solid.
It was so safe.
“Breathe, Aubrey. Feel my heart. Feel my breath. Just breathe.”
He watched all of this unfold, but he was willing to sit there and allow me to fall apart. Crumble to pieces in his arms. Shatter like glass in front of his eyes.
In hopes of maybe someday being able to put me back together.
I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking, laying my forehead on Dylan’s chest. It was all too much. To relive it all over again and knowing the outcome would still be the same. Nothing would change.
Not. One. Damn. Thing.
The pain…
The hurt…
The loss…
