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The sensation of my heart breaking all over again.
He rubbed the nook of my neck and I could feel him kissing the top of my head repeatedly, whispering, “Shhh…” again and again.
“Baby, you don’t—”
“We sat there for what seemed like forever, but it wasn’t nearly enough,” I interrupted, needing to get it out.
Needing to tell someone.
Needing to tell him.
Needing him to know I was broken.
“I lied to you, I fucking lied to you,” I uncontrollably sobbed, my vision blurred and my throat ceased, becoming so raw, so dry, so torn into a million pieces.
“I’m so fucking stupid, Dylan. So fucking stupid. I hadn’t noticed that my dad had barely said one word to us all day,” I bawled, shuddering against his chest.
I wanted to hit something, anything, to keep from feeling the emotions that were dragging me down, deeper and deeper.
He gripped my hand, pressing it tighter against his heart, willing me to keep going.
“There we were one, big, happy, fucking family,” I sobbed into his chest, his other arm steady around me.
“We went home and had dinner and my mom, my mom… she mirrored all my happiness, all of my joy, all my excitement for the future and the unknown possibilities. I went to bed that night happy, content. The next morning my dad took me to school. He never took me to school… He kissed and hugged me. Telling me that he loved me and I swear… I swear, Dylan, I heard him faintly whisper he was sorry.” I swallowed hard, choking back the sobs.
“My mom picked me up from school. It was like they had switched places, but she was so sad. Nothing like the woman she was the day before. Not one trace of her was left. On the way home, silence filled the car. My mom stared straight ahead with worry in her eyes. Something was eating away at her, something she couldn’t tell me. Something that would change the rest of our lives. The course of our future. I never saw it coming. When we arrived home, all my dad’s stuff… was gone. When I looked back at my mom, I just knew. My dad had left her. Not only her, he left me, too. He left us. My parents’ aren’t divorced. I lied to you… He just packed up and left without so much as a note. Just like that! It was so cruel what he did… so fucking cruel, Dylan!” I shouted as if he was sitting beside me, as if he could hear me, and it would change things.
As if shouting turned back time and it would make a difference.
As if shouting took away the pain and the hole I felt in my heart.
I tried to pull my hand away, but he wouldn’t let me. He held it tighter against his heart. Not one time did his steady beat change. It was so stable, so secure, so calm and serene.
So Dylan.
I shook my head into his chest instead, feeling like my skin was burning, as if it was on fire, searing from the inside out. Breaking down with his strong hold around me. Engulfing me with the comfort that I couldn’t feel, that I didn’t want to feel. That I felt I didn’t deserve.
“Why? Why give me hope and let me see what it could be like, only to just rip it all away? Why would he do that to me? Why would he hurt me like that? Why, Dylan, please tell me why? Why would he hurt us like that?” I choked out, the big, huge, ugly tears falling faster and harder.
They were merciless, every last one of them.
I cried so damn hard I was hyperventilating. I had never cried like that in my entire life. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t allow myself to, because I knew, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop.
It would consume me.
And it did.
It was taking over me in the arms of a boy that I really liked. A boy I wanted a future with. I had never felt worse. Only adding to my tears and the hurt of a day I wanted to forget…
But knew I never could.
DYLAN
She was in my lap crumbling to pieces before my very eyes.
I hugged her so tightly trying to hold what was left of her together. Comforting her the only way I knew how. I held her as tight as I could, wanting to mold us into one person, lift her up and take away her pain. I never allowed her hand to leave my heart, hoping that my steady beat would calm her. Whispering reassuring words in her ear with my leveled tone to provide her some security.
Some sense of something.
