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The girl just gets by and parties on the weekends. She’ll probably end up with a no-good man like her father.
They might not add the last part because people here barely knew my father. He didn’t really leave home and socialize. He did most of his drinking at home too, or out of town. They didn’t know my mother either since she ran off the day we moved into town.
And the saddest part about it all was that it was true.
The next day, I showed up to work right on time. It took a toll on me because it meant I couldn’t take the sleeping pills, which also meant I didn’t sleep at all the night before, but I tried to nap in the evening once I got back from my shift. It was only a few hours, but I figured it would get me by for another few days. It had better because I couldn’t afford to be jobless on top of everything else.
Erwin looked up when I walked in the next day, but he said nothing. There was still that line of disapproval on his face, even though I was early. It was probably because of how I looked. I could tell he thought I wasn’t taking his advice. Based on how tired I looked, he probably guessed I was still carousing but trying to balance it with my work. I wanted so badly to tell him that it wasn’t true, but I knew even if he believed me, he wouldn’t understand. Or even worse, he would tell me to see a shrink for my problem. But that I could never do. I could never have someone digging into my head and unearthing all the memories I’d rather keep buried.
Yeah, I would rather die.
So I did my job, only forgetting two of my orders but otherwise staying sharp. By the end of my shift, I was exhausted and ready to go, but Erwin called me over.
“What’s going on with you?” he asked, with concern rather than anger in his tone this time. “Really?”
“Nothing,” I said, pasting a smile on my face. “I’m good.”
“You’re not good. You look a little like the bride of Frankenstein.”
Harsh, but probably true. “It’s nothing. I’ve just been having some problems falling asleep lately with everything going on.”
I’d hoped he would leave it at that, but sympathy lightened his expression. “Is it…your dad?”
“No,” I immediately said because it seemed hypocritical for anyone to think I was mourning that man when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. It was why I hadn’t bothered to plan a funeral or any of the stuff you’re supposed to do when a loved one dies. I simply let him stay in the morgue until such a time that I could decide what to do with him. I would probably have him cremated and then spread his ashes over the pond behind the bar, his happy place. Because it seemed like a mockery to say I was truly grieving. I felt nothing about his death. I wasn’t happy my father died, but I wasn’t sad either. It wasn’t like he gave a shit about me anyway. And the less I thought about his death, the better.
Erwin, of course, didn’t know much about my relationship with my father, so it was only fair of him to assume that.
“No,” I repeated. “I’ve just had some stuff to do lately.”
He nodded again as he understood. “You mean like…school?”
I smiled at the hope in his voice. Erwin was truly a good boss, and he cared about the well-being of his workers. He’d encouraged me to get my GED when I started working for him, and now he was pushing me to apply to the community college just outside of town, where a bunch of the waitresses went. At first, I told him it was impossible because I didn’t have the money. Every spare fund had gone to my dad’s medical bills and debt. And even now, I still don’t know how to balance school and insomnia.
“I don’t have the cash flow for that, Erwin.”
“Sometimes you get scholarships if you’re qualified for them. And I think you might be particularly qualified for the hardship ones,” he said. Just then, someone called him from the backroom, and he turned to leave, but not before telling me, “Just look into it, okay?”
“Okay,” I lied. “Thanks, boss.”
He waved at me absently as he headed to the kitchen. I stepped out and immediately got a text from Brenda.
“Come to Mandi’s.”
I heaved a deep sigh. I wanted nothing more than to go home and see if I could get some rest before night fell, but it was already dark out anyway, so I was shit out of luck.
But, I thought, perking up.Maybe I could convince Brenda to let me sleep in her place just for tonight.
Yeah? And what about the other nights?
I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about that now. One day at a time.
I drove my 1996 Corolla to Mandi’s crowded parking lot, taking a deep breath before I got out. I nodded at the bouncer as I walked in, spotting Brenda at a table surrounded by a few of our other friends. Although, I wouldn’t call them friends if I were being honest. More like people I occasionally hung out with. They were part of Brenda’s crew, and we didn’t talk to each other apart from when she was around.
One of them, a mousy guy called Tank, raised his glass when he saw me coming. “Ei! It’s the birthday girl.|”
I walked over to them, confused. “It’s not my birthday.”
“Ignore him,” Brenda said, rolling her eyes. “He’s been shitfaced since we got here and is sure he forgot someone’s birthday.”
